Starting The New Year With A New Opportunity

Hello and welcome back to my ramblings.

I wanted to do a little bit of self-promo, but since it's the last day of December, I wanted to say I hope you had a great Christmas and a happy holiday, depending on what you celebrate. Personally, I am not one for Christmas. I hate the Christmas music they blast in every shop, it's way over commercialised, and the suicide rate goes through the roof, because people get depressed, and it all gets too much as Christmas is about being with family, giving and receiving presents.  I like the gathering of family and having a nice meal together, but something always seems to go wrong in my family's Christmas; someone gets upset or yelled at. It always seems to be a similar occurrence. I don't like the pleasure of trying to keep the peace. I have known Santa wasn't real for the longest time; I knew it was my mum putting all the presents under the tree and things in the stockings. The part that makes Christmas so sad for me is knowing my mum goes overboard because she didn't get Christmas when she was younger. Her mum was a Jehovah's Witness for many years, so my mum wasn't allowed to celebrate this holiday, so I try to show I'm enjoying it when she brings out the copious amounts of decorations to decorate the house. Every year, I can remember there was always something to start yelling about when it came to putting up the tree. Last year, I said I'm not helping because I'm over all the arguments. I don't think we ended up with a tree at all, and I'm probably to blame for that. There was just so much furniture to move around. Getting a plastic tree out of the loft (attic) and putting plastic decorations on it isn't my idea of fun. That's probably enough Christmas talk, as you may also be burned out from the holiday. 

My point of this post was to tell you all I have a podcast coming out on January 5th, the link will be linked in my last few videos on my channel if you want to check it out. It might be good if you are struggling to find something that covers a wide range of topics. Most of the editing is done by me, but this podcast isn't owned by me; it's one of my closest friends' whom I met in college. His name is Leo, and he has a calm, soothing voice that you may find great for winding down to. He gives the vibe of an old vampire/wizard, and as soon as I met him, I thought, vampire. We will talk in the podcast about how we all came to know each other. For now, the podcast is just myself and Leo. As the podcast progresses, we will expand our topics, but I will give you a sneak peek. We have our first episode as a sort of get-to-know-us episode. I know it may not sound like a very interesting episode, but trust me, it gets better.

There was a podcast I was starting with another group of friends but it didn't end up turning out quite the way I had happed so I have my fingers crossed that this one goes better than the first one did (none of the episodes ended up being posted from the last attempt). We may end up having a few guests on but that depends on who is free on the days we are recording. 

Tune in every Monday for Ink and Ashes. It's going to be a rollercoaster. ~ Lilly

Letters I'll Never Send

Dear mom.

I'm sorry I've been spending so much time out of the house. I know you miss me, and you're probably worried sick, but I promise I'm keeping myself safe. I just don't know how to explain to you that being with him every day feels better than being in this house. Leaving J was a good idea, you know that and you agree with me. As much as you say that you don't care that I'm with T now I see the look in your eyes when I tell you I'm going out. the concern hidden behind the understanding. 

Enjoy the little things

 After my nan passed away it was weird to not have to go downstairs many times in an hour to make sure she was drinking. Looking at the empty bed where she stayed for many months before leaving us alone, was very strange. It felt wrong and still does. There is a few brighter things to think about such as the memories I made with her over my life, my fondest being something I was so embarrassed to think back on until now was me dancing around the dinning room with Christmas music playing to put on a 'show' for her. I was wearing a pink swimming consume covered in different sized poker dots and a bright green inflatable rubber ring. The rubber ring was mean to be a tutu and the swimming costume was as close to a leotard that I could get. I hated thinking back at that memory and always cringed when I did but hey its on the internet now and it will stay with me until the day I die. I do regret not getting to know her better as I got older but she would always spend time with her 'boyfriend' and i didn't want to spend time with the both of them because it was weird. I could not have a conversation with that guy at all, he was a very nice man and every easter he bought me a lint easter bunny. The one with the red ribbon with a bell. It was the same every year but other than the few passing moments with him, I didn't get to know him too well and technically he also electrocuted me. The pond in the garden has always had a bird problem... birds come and go and take fish with them. So this man was an electrician in the navy when he was working because at the time I knew him he was retired. Anyway he decided to put an electric fence around the pond to deter these birds. As a child I loved watching the fish in the pond swim around and it was even better when the frogs had layed their eggs and they would turn into tadpoles. I used to put my hands in the pond and let them pick off dead skin, it was a win win situation. I did it before it was cool to put your hands and feet in water with aquatic things to let them eat your dead skin cells and even better I didn't have to pay for it.

 Back to the original thought, once this fence was up around the pond he said it was safe as long as I didn't touch the wire. I didn't touch it before you think to yourself oh she's going to do that. I did not. I sat on the grass hands on the flat stones around the pond and guess what I could feel coursing through my body. If you guessed electric, congratulations you win. I told my dad and he was like oh thats weird but we moved on so for the few years this electric fence was around the pond I would always feel the electric in my arms while leaning on the stones to watch the fish live their care free lives. 

Many years later I was talking to my dad about it and apparently my nans 'boyfriend' had wired it in wrong and thats the whole reason I could feel it. Its almost like I knew what it should have been like, but no one listens to children. You can say you do but you don't trust in them the way you trust your partner or your parental figures. This is a warning if you are a parent really try to listen to your child/children if they have a concern. 

But for ages I thought i was super conductive. Sad to know the truth now. 

But this is a sort of goodbye post to my nan, I did love her and I hope she is having the very best time in the afterlife and its nice to think she is back with her boyfriend again and I didn't put that in quotations because of the last little story I want to share is that man I mentioned earlier also had dementia and they would still hang out, for years I made the joke that he was her boyfriend and when they both started getting further down the dementia path me and my dad found them kissing in the conservatory. It made me think I was right all those years. I don't know why they felt the need to hide it or if they had only just started a relationship i don't know but he went before her and its nice to think she has joined him.  

Productivity In Waves, Prepare When You Can

For the past week, I have been basically home alone, which has been great for getting work done but not so much with other things. I look after my nan, she has dementia, she is currently not interested in eating, and I don't want to get morbid, but I think the end is nigh. I have been so behind on work recently, too, so putting in the 5-6 extra hours a day has been great. I have managed to crack on with making videos. At the time of writing this, I think I have made at least 30 new videos for YouTube (I'm stocking up for winter). My dad won't want me on my pc in the winter because he is trying to save as much money on electricity as possible. I will still be on my pc from 8pm to 2am, but not from almost the moment I wake up to the moment I am heading to bed. Moving has its bonuses and its drawbacks. So I haven't worked out how many videos I need to cover me for the winter period. I hope it will be enough by the time it arrives. Yes, I know it's the summer now. Yeah, I know there's a lot of time, but it does creep up on you, and you have to be prepared for whatever life throws at you. I try my best to stay on top of my work, and then the things I take on to help other people out, because I'm like that. If I can help on a non-emotional topic, then I will try my best, sometimes by putting in hours of research. Not everyone I have spent hours upon hours helping has been as kind to me, but we move on, such is life and all that. I hope by the end of summer to have another season of a video series ready and scheduled. I would like to have at least tried 10 new games to sprinkle in, and it's not needed, but preferable to have at least 20 new video ideas that are fully formed. Going back to my whole nan situation, we did have some nutrient supplement drinks show up on the doorstep two or three days ago (as of when I am writing this).

So far, they have been a godsend, and I do not believe in the good book; I have my own thoughts and opinions about all that. The drinks come in four flavours, strawberry (they didn't have any in stock this time round), chocolate, banana and vanilla. Because I have been in charge I have been choosing what flavour each day Banana was day one and she said it was nice I was rather shocked that she spoke to me because it was a very non verbal day for her, Day 2 was vanilla she also said it was nice but drank far less and didn't keep telling me it was nice like she did on day one so I think the winning flavour so far is banana. Personally, I hate the banana one, it smells foul, too artificial for my liking, and the smell is strong, so it's not the most fun time, but hey, at least she is drinking it. We are looking into booking a funeral so we are prepared for the worst, but I might be fearing the worst when in reality, she could potentially outlive me. Better to be prepared for a storm than turn a blind eye, right?

Day 3 I tried my nan on the chocolate drink, I will just call it a milk shake because it has that sort of consistency she didn't say it was nice right way I think it was day 5 that she said it was nice, but since then she has not said a word to anyone, not me, not my dad or any of the carers. I think we are on about day 7 or 8 of these new drinks and they seem to be good for her but she doesn't put the cup on the table she puts it on her bedcover then moves later on and it goes all over the plastic covering the carpet specifically for this reason we have the plastic sheet on the floor, in fact it takes 3 sheets of this large plastic on the floor to protect the carpet from getting ruined. She has in the past poured a whole cup of tea on the floor on purpose and couldn't tell me why.

Edit: My nan died in her sleep on Monday the 23rd of June 2025

Miscommunications

You would think that after so much time of being alive, that it would be pretty easy to communicate and discuss how you are feeling or what plans you have, but that is clearly never the case. No matter how long you are alive, you will likely never be able to communicate yourself perfectly every time to every person you talk with.

There are going to be plenty of people who interpret your connotations differently. Different people who have different experiences and have come to learn that certain actions mean something different from what you thought you were conveying. Different people who may have said one thing but meant a different. 

It's a shame but it is also the truth. Miscommunications leave behind heartbreak, heartache, hurt feelings, anger, frustration, and a whole lot of wasted time and missed opportunities.

Let me know when we come up with a way to get rid of this.

Thanks.

Is She The Sister You Wish You Had?

I woke up yesterday in a little of a mental frenzy. Been wondering lately why it seems I am always alone now. Why have I failed at being a social butterfly like you were? Did I spend too much time focusing on family? Did I spend too much time trying to take care of you all? Did I spend my time trying to make life easier for you all than it was for me, and fail? 

I know we joked around a lot about you moving in with me when I moved out, we were starting to be inseparable the past few years. Growing closer through similar struggles. But having you move in with me did not make sense. You would be nowhere near your job. You wouldn't have a way to get around while I was at work. You wouldn't be able to soar like you wanted, I know that is no different than staying where you were but at least there you had others to continue to help you in a way that even I would not have been able to provide.

I'm both glad and upset that it was her. I'm glad because it is somebody I know and trust and if it came down to it I know she would not let any harm come to you because she is like a long-lost sister too. But I also know that she has not always been able to care for herself. I know that sometimes she needs help with her own demons. And maybe you can help each other in ways that I can't help either of you. Maybe I am not the right person to have been trying to help her. Maybe I just don't understand any of it.

What I do understand is that it hurts that I no longer get to joke with you. It hurts that I no longer get to bug you and you no longer want to bug me. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe I bugged too much and you didn't want to tell me to stop and that is what drove you away.

Maybe that's what drove everyone away. Maybe it will continue to drive everyone away. Maybe my boyfriend will have to set up all my friend outings from now on like he has already done. Maybe he too will get fed up with me. Maybe he is already fed up with me. Maybe he already regrets it all and will hate me more when I pull him away from what little bit of a support system he has.

Am I the Villain?

Hard Conversations

Some conversations are just really hard to have. They can be difficult because of the sensitivity of the conversation, they can be problematic because they can hurt relationships/friendships, and they can be almost cringey because of their awkward nature. But conversations are good, they need to be had. And if it is going to cause problems, if it is going to let you get on with things regardless of if it is good or bad.

What hard conversations have you had?

Did you ever have to sit down and be scolded for bad grades?

Was "the talk" with your parents hard?

Did you have to have a sit down about going to college and how it was going to be paid for?

What about when you wanted to move out?

Did you introduce your significant other to your family before you were engaged?

What did you do when you leant somebody something and they never gave it back?

Did you have a heart-to-heart with friends because you really felt betrayed by their actions?

What I Eat

What I choose to eat should be the business of nobody but myself. 

If I choose to eat chicken four nights out of the week, that is my business. If I choose to eat steak once a week to get my red meat in, that is my business. If I choose to eat fish more than once a week, that is my business. If I decide to have a bigger serving than normal because I haven't eaten all day, that is my choice.

It does not negatively impact you or your life. It is not causing you financial strain because you are not the one who paid for it. It is not causing you dietary restrictions or discomfort because you are not the one eating it.

Why do others decide to make every little decision you make, their concern? Just because I sent you a Snapchat of my dinner plate does not mean that you need to start up a debate on what I am eating. You want to make a quick comment, sure. You don't think it looks very appetizing, fine. You would have paired it with something else, thank you for the suggestion.

But please, mind your own business and do not try to criticize everything I do that is different from what you would do. We do not need to be the same person or have the same taste or eat the same things. Nobody does. Being different is good. It is how we ended up with so many different cultures.

Adulting, is it for everyone?

Why is it that so many people find it to be a struggle to "Adult"? Why can we spend our days aimlessly as kids and spend all the money in the world doing things in our fleeting moments as we grow up but then as we age we struggle to find time for ourselves and we never have any money to do the things we wish we could, even the cheapest things like going out for a burger at McDonald's?

Now this isn't necessarily true for everyone. Some people are set up for "success" early on, in the sense that they spend most of their childhood acting as adults in their own lives. Some people learned how to cook and clean after themselves early on, others have not bothered doing their own laundry to this day and they even went away to college. Some people received a penny as their allowance and learned how to budget that income so that maybe by the end of the year they could buy themselves a new doll at the dollar tree, others received a card from somebody in their family and never had to worry about running out of money, they just continued to spend and the money would refill itself.

There are ways you can learn these life skills later on but not everyone wants to take the time to. Some people may think that they are trying their best but their mindset is still in that demeanor of wanting to buy everything in the moment as they decide they want it and therefore do not actually learn from any new tactics they try to learn. 

Maybe adulting is not for everyone, and that is okay. But everyone needs to learn how to continue to progress and be better because otherwise, you are going to end up spending every day of your life relying on others to get you through. You are going to run yourself into debt and homelessness. You are going to make yourself smelly and undesirable. 

Not everyone is dealt a bad hand but what you do with your hand is going to say even more about you in the long run.

How have you faired in your adulting journey?

Stirring the Pot

There is a right and a wrong way to go about things in your life. Whether in your workplace, in your home life, in your friend circle, etc. The wrong way is usually the secret way and it is normally going to cause more harm than it is going to help the situation. 

You can not decide that something that is going on is wrong and address it with others whether peers or higher-ups, without stirring the pot. You are going to start a rumor mill. You are going to give them more reasons to cause you trouble. You are going to put yourself at risk for ridicule and failure. 

When you do decide that something needs to be done, you need to ensure that everyone is on the same page. You need to confirm that all parties are notified, even the ones you do not want to know. Because everyone deserves to know, everyone deserves to be represented. Everyone deserves to have a say. That includes the person who you believe is causing harm. Just because they will not hear you out does not mean you should not also let them be heard. 

Be the bigger person. Be the person you wish they were. Give them the same respect you wish they would give you.

Final Destination Who?

 I didn't need the Final Destination movies to have the life scared out of me, I had my dad for that.

Most people have been scared silly by the movies. Learning things to be scared of and avoid doing like getting on planes or avoiding driving behind trucks with logs on them. Having your hand stuck in a garbage disposal or being trapped in a stuck elevator. I never watched these movies, or at least not all of them to the full extent, and therefore I did not learn to be fearful of these things from the movies.

Instead, I had my dad. A jarhead, who learned and instilled that fear is just weakness and pain is weakness leaving the body. So therefore he liked to find, and for the most part still does, ways in which he can startle you and cause you to jump. 

Things like pretending to get electrocuted when plugging in appliances. Pretending he cut off his own finger when making dinner by covering his hand in fake gore. Fake flipping the switches to blenders or garbage disposals while you have your hand in them. Coming behind you and jolting you in the sides while you are messing with electronics. Randomly yelling and making crashing noises.

You get the picture.

My life has always been filled with these jump-scare tactics to keep us on our toes. No need for a movie at all.

And yes. I do still jump scare relatively easily but I fight back with a killer punch if I need to.

Birthdays

 Birthdays. 

They mark you gaining another full year of experience. A full rotation around the sun while on our planet. 

The significance of your birthday never goes underappreciated no matter where you are or what you are doing. Whether you are turning 1, turning 13, 16, 18, 21, 25, 50, or 100 and every year in between. Your milestones are your own and you face them and beat them every day.

How you determine your age is slightly more finicky though. Most people start the day you come out of the womb as day 1. Others may consider that same time as day 365 and say you are a year old upon exiting the womb. Neither is really accurate though, is it? They would have to determine your exact conception date to determine how many days old you are. Especially since some babies are born prematurely and others are born late, and then some are formed inside a machine. Of course, there's also the matter of what year you are using as well. I mentioned earlier that it's a full rotation around the sun while on our planet. An Earth year is not the same as a year on any other planet. If you lived on Pluto, you wouldn't even be one yet. None of you would, don't try and fight me on it. Of course that then brings you onto the topic of if time is different there in other ways. Would you still age the same way or would aging be prolonged?

Loyalty

 Most people know the expression "blood is thicker than water" but what some of that population will tell you is that the extended quote is actually "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". This slight difference in phrasing/paraphrasing completely changes the definition of the word. 

The first implies that your blood relatives have a stronger bond with you than the rest of the population because those others are constantly changing, receding with the tides. The latter expression implies that those same blood bonds are not nearly as strong as those which you form with others of similar personality and forethought. Which can be very true. Sometimes your family is only there for you because they expect you to be able to do the same if not more for them later. Whereas friends you have made throughout your life may be willing and able to drop anything in a second to help you no matter what they may be doing and expect nothing in return.

I have done that for a number of my friends and have had a few of them do it for me as well.

The most astonishing thing to me though will always be whose mind you occupy space in. Loyalty spreads deeper than just words and actions, it is subconscious too. Somebody may say they will be there to help you out and may even show up to help out, but how many of those people are going to see something in a store and think of you? How many people are going to see a post online, laugh at it, and think that you would find it funny too? Those people have a more pure form of loyalty in my book. They subconsciously spend time thinking about you even when they don't have to.

Those are the types of people I would want to have in my group. The kind that will be there 1000% of the time even when you don't expect them to be.

Smile and Wave

"Smile and Wave, Just Smile and Wave" 

A friend of mine has been living by this motto pretty hard this past week and every time they say it, all I picture is the penguins from the 2005 film 'Madagascar'. Now in the case of the movie, the Penguins are smiling and waving because they are trying to appear as regular Penguins who aren't in the midst of digging a tunnel out of a New York zoo using plastic spoons left by the humans. In the case of my friend, they are also trying to hide something from onlookers but instead of hiding a devious escape plan, they are hiding how scared they are of failure. They are hiding the overwhelming grief they feel from the idea that they aren't meeting the standards set forth for them. They are hiding that it eats away at their mental well-being every time they hear their name whispered among those who are meant to be their peers.

 

I can understand and relate to this on so many levels. because often times it feels as though I am hiding myself. Sometimes it feels like the easiest route is just to "smile and wave" as if the problem doesn't exist. As if ignoring it will make it go away or hurt less. But chances are that it won't. In fact, it may very well make it worse. You may find that smiling and waving, keeping to yourself unless absolutely necessary, will result in more problems because suddenly you are un-sociable and a recluse. You turn into somebody that others may think is fake or a liar. 

To some extent you are.

But underneath it all, you are still you. And you are still scared and hurting.

Smiling and waving will only do you so much good.

Wybie had his smile sewn into place by the other mother in 'Coraline' but that didn't stop him from feeling the sadness of being stuck in that other world.

Your smile won't stop you from feeling that dread and sadness either.

One Box At A Time

    

Sometimes your life and all the problems you may think it has can fit comfortably inside of a single box. Other times, it may take many boxes to hold everything you have experienced and collected over your life span. In either case, your packing and your unpacking, both need to be done at your own pace. You can not expect to be able to set up shop in a new environment right from the get-go, no matter how hard you may try to make it appear that way. Others may be blind to what is going on in your life, but you know and you'll really want them to secretly know. So just take it one box at a time. It may take days, it may take weeks, it may even take months. But box by box you will slowly start to piece everything back together again. And box by box you will slowly start to build something better, something stronger. Something that you can be proud of and be happy to call yours. It is also okay when you're going through all those boxes, to find that there are some things you want to hold on to and some things that are better just being let go. Please learn to let go. Not everything needs to be hoarded and brought with you everywhere you go. You will have other memories, better memories than those objects that are taking up space in your boxes.

A Year of Changes

    Whether you like to admit it or not, changes are hard. Changing clothing brands. Changing shampoos. Changing schools/jobs. Changing houses. Changing towns/states/countries. Changing things whether big or small, imposes some negative factors into your life even if you don't care to admit it. 

    You subconsciously face these factors before the change as well as after. You stop caring for your entire body in the same practice. Maybe you stop eating as healthy, maybe you stop showering or brushing your teeth every day. You definitely don't sleep as well anymore. Your nervous system is fighting off a storm of 'what if' probabilities. 

    What if the new clothes are itchy? 

    What if somebody else is wearing the same style? 

    What if they make fun of your outfit? 

    What if the shampoo smells funny? 

    What if it doesn't clean your hair as well? 

    What if nobody wants to talk to you and you have to eat lunch alone? 

    What if you don't share hobbies with anybody? 

    What if your furniture doesn't fit in the new place? 

    What if it's too dark/bright?

    What if the neighbors are too noisy? What if they think YOU'RE too noisy?

    What if they make fun of your accent?

    There are so many 'what if' probabilities. What if we all just stopped caring? We won't but what if we could? What then? Would society be able to go about its day without fear of judgment or would that nagging factor still be engrained into your subconscious? What started this fear? What made us as humans fear the unknown and adore the familiar? 

    Survival. 

    Your only task is survival. Always has been. And while the familiar may feel safe and secure, the only way you can really continue to survive is by adapting to the changes in your environment. If you really want to thrive then you need to accept these changes early on and start seeking better opportunities for change and growth yourself.

Why I Leave

I leave

I leave for happiness

I leave for sanity

I leave for peace

I leave for others

I leave, while you stay

I leave 

I leave because it is loud

I leave because I hurt

I leave because it is easy

I leave because others came

I leave, while you take over

I leave

I leave for when I stay, it seems that I only cause sadness and sorrow.

I leave because when I stay, it seems like I am twisting the arms of others to keep myself included.

I leave, so that you all stay happy and together because I am not essential and just drag you down.

Putting up a Front

It is exhausting,

Putting up a front to keep you.

Plastering on emotions that aren't mine,

You don't understand how fake I am for you.

Stretching myself ever thinner, 

Pretending to be happy and sane like you.

Stand up tall, dress just right.

Smile spread wide, crinkle the eyes.

Inflection in tone, flow of words.

Use it all to build a disguise,

Putting up a front,

Pretending it's real when it's just lies.

It is exhausting,

Putting up a front to keep you.

Plastering on emotions that aren't mine.

You don't understand how fake I am for you.

I'm sorry, but I'm over it.

I will be who I need to be for me.

--------------------------------

It is okay to not be okay.

It is okay to not want to pretend.

It is okay to not have emotions to show.

It is okay to reach out for help,

It is okay to not want help.

You are perfectly you and if that means upsetting others because you aren't who they want or need, then they can suck it up ... or they can leave.

It is not on you to carry the weight of the world and protect everyone else.

Protect yourself first.

My Year Wrapped, My Year Going Forward

I started 2021 hopeful. 

Hopeful that things would work out, hopeful that things would get better.

This year, for 2022, I will still start the year hopeful; still hopeful that things will work out and things will get better.

The difference, I lived 2021 day to day. Each of those new days was spent telling myself that things can't get worse and that things have to get better, all you have to do is make it to tomorrow. In 2022, I'm planning to live each day as if it is it's own day. One day should not impact the mood of the next. Each day should be taken as it is and filled with the best possible effort to get the most out of it. I shouldn't wait to get a better tomorrow, I should be working to make today better.

2021 was spent entirely in a pandemic, a pandemic that dictated a lot of what I did. It dictated that I wasn't starting that year overseas getting my masters. It dictated that I couldn't go out and see friends or travel. It dictated that I could not get another job in field. It dictated that I stayed home, living with my parents. It dictated that I stay in my toxic environment without any change in behavior to counteract the toxicity.

2022 in comparison, is going to allow me to breath. It may throw me on my ass, may throw me to the streets; but, it is not going to hold me in a cell, it is not going to cage me in my own mental despair. I am through with that. I am through with being verbally and mentally abused. By stigmas, by stereotypes, by the public, by friends, by family, by myself. I am quitting my job. I am moving out of this house (eventually). I am doing what I need to for me because I am no longer living for you or for them.

You Don't Seem to Realize

There are a lot of things that are going to come and go in your life. 

You are going to come and go through a lot of other folks' lives.

Something you don't seem to realize, is the impact you have.

The impact they have.

You change every time somebody says something to you.

You change somebody else every time you brush shoulders with them.

So many other bottles have poured into your bowl, they tainted you, they cleansed you.

You tipped over, you tainted them, you cleansed them.

Who you were,

Who you have become,

Who you will be;

It is all an accumulation of their traits, 

of their actions,

of their reactions.

The world would keep going without you in it.

But.

The world wouldn't be what it is if you hadn't existed.