I know we joked around a lot about you moving in with me when I moved out, we were starting to be inseparable the past few years. Growing closer through similar struggles. But having you move in with me did not make sense. You would be nowhere near your job. You wouldn't have a way to get around while I was at work. You wouldn't be able to soar like you wanted, I know that is no different than staying where you were but at least there you had others to continue to help you in a way that even I would not have been able to provide.
I'm both glad and upset that it was her. I'm glad because it is somebody I know and trust and if it came down to it I know she would not let any harm come to you because she is like a long-lost sister too. But I also know that she has not always been able to care for herself. I know that sometimes she needs help with her own demons. And maybe you can help each other in ways that I can't help either of you. Maybe I am not the right person to have been trying to help her. Maybe I just don't understand any of it.
What I do understand is that it hurts that I no longer get to joke with you. It hurts that I no longer get to bug you and you no longer want to bug me. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe I bugged too much and you didn't want to tell me to stop and that is what drove you away.
Maybe that's what drove everyone away. Maybe it will continue to drive everyone away. Maybe my boyfriend will have to set up all my friend outings from now on like he has already done. Maybe he too will get fed up with me. Maybe he is already fed up with me. Maybe he already regrets it all and will hate me more when I pull him away from what little bit of a support system he has.
Am I the Villain?
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