Words May Not Be Knives But They Still Sting

"You aren't better than anybody."

As if I didn't already know that. Thank you so kindly for pointing it out and giving one final nail in the coffin to end the day.

I was not expecting those words to come out of your mouth. Not out of the mouth of somebody I thought I was on good terms with. Not out of the mouth of somebody who was my mentor. Not out of the mouth of somebody who just a few days ago was sending my Instagram reels about Build-A-Bear, and I was sending photos back because I already had seen and gotten it.

You saying those words, directed at me or otherwise, sent me spiraling. I didn't say anything back to you; it would have been disrespectful. But in my head, all I could think was, I know I'm not. I am less than worthy. I am less than dirt. All I could think about were all my faults, all the wrongs I have ever done in my entire life. How I wish I could take it all back, change every little detail. But then I realize I am not me without these flaws, without these mistakes. Some would even say I am not human without them.

Does it make me less sad, no, but it makes me realize just a little that the tears I held back then, the tears I let stream down my face as I was driving away later on, weren't worth shedding.

I shed them anyway, though, because words do hurt. They leave mental scars that are nearly impossible to heal.

What Makes You Jump

What in the world made you jump?

What made you take that first jump for joy?

Did you enjoy that little toy?

What made you jump up on that bed?

Did it hurt to bump your head?

What made you take that leap in faith?

Did you ever consider hate?

What made you long for something more?

Did life just become a chore?

What made you decide enough was enough?

Did you think the world was too tough?

Maybe you decided on your own,

You no longer wanted to go home.

But somebody out there is going to cry,

To no longer have you by their side.

Hopefully, you are now at peace,

I will think of you running among the geese.

Putting up a Front

It is exhausting,

Putting up a front to keep you.

Plastering on emotions that aren't mine,

You don't understand how fake I am for you.

Stretching myself ever thinner, 

Pretending to be happy and sane like you.

Stand up tall, dress just right.

Smile spread wide, crinkle the eyes.

Inflection in tone, flow of words.

Use it all to build a disguise,

Putting up a front,

Pretending it's real when it's just lies.

It is exhausting,

Putting up a front to keep you.

Plastering on emotions that aren't mine.

You don't understand how fake I am for you.

I'm sorry, but I'm over it.

I will be who I need to be for me.

--------------------------------

It is okay to not be okay.

It is okay to not want to pretend.

It is okay to not have emotions to show.

It is okay to reach out for help,

It is okay to not want help.

You are perfectly you and if that means upsetting others because you aren't who they want or need, then they can suck it up ... or they can leave.

It is not on you to carry the weight of the world and protect everyone else.

Protect yourself first.

World Mental Health Day - Rambo

October is a month for many things, including Breast Cancer Awareness, Columbus Day/Indigenous People Day, Halloween, and many others. But something that is going to always be prominent is mental health and establishing open communication with those people in your life when you are struggling. 

Since 1992 when the day was first established by the World Federation for Mental Health and the first celebration by Deputy Secretary-General Richard Hunter; the world has worked to establish a general education/understanding of what it means to take care of your mental health. Some topics over the years have included mental health among women and children, human rights, aging, work, trauma, and so many others. 

Sometimes we forget just all that is wrapped up in mental health and how much it can impact our lives. Mental health for one person is never going to be the same for someone else. We use terminology to try and be able to define these things; words like trauma, anxiety, depression, hysteria, autism, abuse, compulsory. But words and definitions in themselves can cause problems and categorizations that are inaccurate. It allows us to self-diagnose. It allows us to stereotype. I know I have.

I sit here and I evaluate myself, I compare myself to those around me. And I become overwhelmed at just how troublesome I think I am. I have become overly familiar with the nuances in my life over the past few years. I have come to realize that a lot of what I perceived as normal, are actually signs of neglect and abuse. I have come to determine through my own ideas and the ideas of others that I have anxiety, I have some compulsory issues, I have some sensory stimulation responses, I have depression. None of these are officially diagnosed mind you, and maybe I have worsened them (especially recently) by trying to build and act on them but that doesn't make them any less real or pertinent in my life.

No matter what you are going through in life, there are always going to be things that cause you to seek an outlet, there are going to be people that disrupt your routine, there are going to be things that hold you back, there are going to be situations that cause you to be uncomfortable and have fear. We just need to continue to recognize these things and rather than only place ourselves into a box of isolation that can cause things to get worse.

Reach out.

Seek help.

Speak up.

I may not but we all should.

Y'know. Sometimes, if I sit here in the dark and I focus only on what I am physically doing. My literal actions. Sitting here typing away on a soft bed, wrapped in a warm blanket, and listening to some amazing soul-touching music; I can close my eyes for a second or two and be transported away to a time and space where I do not feel so uneasy in my life. A different timeline where I have come to a place where I am content with my life choices and am at ease with all future actions. A place where I can achieve a number of aspirations without hesitation or fear. 

Wouldn't it be grand if we could just all be in that happy place we envision for ourselves rather than have to transport ourselves there for a small duration?

Take the time to reach out to your loved ones always but especially on this October 10th for World Mental Health Day <3

When is Telling Somebody Better than Keeping a Secret

Millions of promises are made in a lifetime. Your parents promise you that the world will get better once you get to know the environment around you. You are promised if you eat half the vegetables on your plate the monsters will not seek you out and much to the contrary you may actually grow. Teachers tell you if a special dance is performed it will snow overnight. If you try your very best you can be anything you want!! But probably the most important promise to ever be made are the pinky promises and blood oaths you make with your bestest friends. The two of you have known each other for so it is almost like you are sisters now, everything is shared between you when it becomes necessary; notes, gossip, clothes, sex stories… You get the picture.

               Every so often you’ll get a top-secret peek into their life and it isn’t something you can handle keeping to yourself, nor is it something you should. We as people are bound to let something slip in our behavior or in the way we enunciate and exaggerate certain words. Every action is a context clue pertaining to something rambling through your mind.

               When somebody tells you they were raped; when somebody tells you they want to commit suicide; if you are told that they are running away, are going to commit a crime…. You should not feel obligated to keep these things to yourself. You are only one person and it can harm you as much as it could hurt them because you will have to live on with the guilt that you could have done something to stop them from ruining their life. Try and persuade them to tell somebody else and seek up help; but you also should know that if the day comes when you really cannot do anything to help your friend; do what you think is superlative, even if it means you may lose your friend for a while. Everyone is bound to come to terms with their actions and those of people whom help them after they have had time to re-experiencing life.

Let's Change Things Up A Bit

Good evening my little nightmares. Seeing that I'm more of an observer rather than an interactor, I figure it's time to come out of the closet. No? k. Schrodinger's Kitten is the name, blogging is the game.

So this rotation is self harm. Interesting topic. Self harm is such a weird concept, we have systems in our mind that try to put us out of harm's way yet different parts of our brain convince us to directly harm ourselves. A little odd. I can't say that I don't understand it at all, because I do, more than I'll admit to. I just don't understand why our survival instincts don't kick in and stop us.

On a more serious note though, self harm is a big deal, 1 in every 5 females, and 1 in every 7 males (source), self harms. That's quite a few. Well actually, that's more than a few, that's an appalling amount. Every person knows someone else that self harms, you just might not know it yet. I, myself, have told maybe a handful of people, but for the most part, have kept it for upwards of six years. To this day I am still fully addicted to it. But you will never see a self-inflicted cut on my body. Cutting isn't exactly my cup of tea, I prefer my self harm with a side of trichotillomania. It's this cute little disorder that causes me to pull my hair out as a form of self harm, but self harm is not the only cause of this disorder. But, if you want honesty, it's not cute at all. For the past year and a half, I have had a bald spot on the back of my head because of my hair pulling, that I've hid by wearing my hair up every day, and only recently has it grown back in. I struggle every day with this, so I really do understand that people struggle with self harm, I just don't understand why.As a first real post; I think this is a satisfactory place to stop. Until next time my nightmares.
~SchrodingersKitten

Deadly Thoughts

Outside laughter comes rolling down the street from the park.

Across the street small families are seated to enjoy a nice dinner out. 

But around you is a cloud of despair that continues to consume your life.

There was a time when that cool autumn breeze was passing through your clothes as you ran after friends and screamed in joy.

One night long ago you went out for your birthday and everyone sang to you, you may have even hid your smile as you were embarrassed.

But anymore there isn't much of anything that can trigger even a chuckle from you.

Although you were once surrounded by dozens of people who cared for your well being, they've slowly vanished from your sight. At first the numbers just dwindled here and there but as you let the words of the world become ingrained in your thick skull, you couldn't believe some people were there.

Susie always did think you were a lazy bum. 

Mike never wanted to hang with you when his friends were around.

David called you a whore that night he left you for your best friend.

Rachel and Gabby use to tell the whole school your family problems.

How could any of them think of staying beside you when i was all true. Everyone was becoming fed up with you. Even you are fed up with yourself.

A car passes down the pitch black street every half hour or so. 

Feet dangling over the side of the roof, you wonder what it would take to end it all. 

You're only a story above the ground, a story and a half max. Maybe if you did some damage prior it might do the trick.

You've pushed yourself too far.

The little things definitely contribute but you let it get you down.

...

Over the years I have faced difficulties of my own. 

Since the day I could understand what the words meant; I listened to my older sister curse out my father. She screamed that he wasn't her father; that she wish she didn't have to stay here, that she didn't understand why she had to be the one to take care of me. Numerous nights the cops would come knocking on our door, my sister loved to run away to go drink with her friends. And I watched her as she climbed out our bedroom window and down the spout to her friends. I'd sit there for hours waiting for her to come back. It didn't matter what she did to me; she could smash my fingers in the door, she could drop me on my head, she could threaten to tear the head off my teddy bear. She was my sister and some nights I worried she wouldn't come home. When I turned 9 she went away for good. She joined the military and left our small town behind without ever looking back at us.

Similarly when I was 12, my older brother decided he had had enough and left us behind. He swiped whatever he could from my father's supply and ran off with his 15 year old girlfriend to become a drug dealer. We hadn't always expected this from him. Taught to respect his elders and how to protect himself, we thought he would be a good citizen and get a job to start a family of his own. Much rather the strict rules of our house drove my brother to steal from my parents and to hang with the wrong crowd. He rebelled as best as he could and when we tried to help him he pushed us away. Accused us of suffocating him to death. Now we hardly hear from him and I'm personally worried that as much as he puts the police down and supports legalizing weed, he is going to get himself killed before he has the chance to see what he can do.

Not too long ago my sister made contact with us. She had gotten married and had a kid; he had just turned 3 when her troubles started up. My "brother in law" was beating on them and she couldn't get away. She wanted our help to get him locked up long enough that she could come home and be protected but she didn't want to ruin his career because she still loved him and thought he meant well. After so long he got fed up with her and after much bickering, many bruises, and several attempts to take my nephew away from him....she lost full custody. She was allowed to care for my nephew until he came of schooling age but if something were to happen to her or him, his parents got custody of the kid. She couldn't stand the thought of giving up my nephew and was sent back to us until the military could resolve the conflict. She made the mistake one day, and sent my nephew back to see his father for a weekend. She hasn't been able to see him since. She is still married to the douche, and is pregnant with a second kid from a guy she met while back with us.

A few months prior to this revelation of hers, one of my younger brothers was pushed to his own breaking point. Because he had a different train of thought and because we live a different lifestyle than most; kids at his school made him feel like he was better off killing himself than trying to talk to somebody and make friends with other people who understood him. He was abruptly taken away from us and we didn't get to spend our holidays with him. After the state realized that his mentality was fine, for a kid that should be diagnosed as autistic; they released him back to us. Now he deals with constant bullying because he has aids that follow him everywhere. He comes home frustrated and some times is very similar to a ticking time bomb.

My little sister is forced to live in our shadows and becomes disoriented when compared to us. Going through puberty is challenging for her as she has an identity crisis to find herself.

...

Everyone has their own way of coping. Some run off. Others commit themselves to drugs. A few become prone to abuse from themselves and from others. For some they think giving in to what others want is the answer. The list of possibilities is endless and nobody has the same method of escaping.

...

These issues for instance aren't my own but they have caused so much anxiety for myself. For a while I would surround myself in the people I thought were beneficial to my being. But slowly they could no longer relate to me and what I was going through. They became annoyed by my constant search for relationships and for people to talk with. I slowly became more of an introvert. I resorted to climbing out the window similarly to my sister. I dangle my feet over the side and I contemplate what would happen if i just slipped one night and snapped my neck; nobody would notice me until morning. Constantly I think of who might be aware of my non existence but nothing prominently sticks out in my head. 

After my grandfather passed away last year and my families became more jumbled. My self diagnosed depression got worse and my desire to keel over started to run over my drive.

For the longest time the only thing that kept me sane was a single friend whom I call Lazi and the urge to prove my family wrong that I can make a living as a forensic scientist. That friend hasn't talked to me much she got a new boyfriend and my hope of becoming educated in my desired field shrivels more every day as my family goes further and further into debt. But when one door closes another one opens. And so I'm struggling with my own thoughts and especially right now with the anniversary of my grandfather's death my depression is worsening. 

...

We all have to be there for one another. I hope you don't feel alone in this world. I hope you feel comfortable with somebody enough to release your thoughts to them before too much pressure builds up. If you don't; please; PLEASE message me right away so I can help you get through this. We can help each other.

....

Good evening Nightlings. Stay strong and shine your light bright.

Self Harm

Hello Nightlings; Cynic Candor here. I hope you all had a great day, but it's Monday and when are they ever great? This rotation's topic for discussion is self harm. Before reading further I would like to point out a couple of key points. Number one, I am not condoning self harm. Number two, I am not promoting self harm. And number three, some people might find this triggering, so please read at your own apprehension.

I believe that we have all committed or thought about committing an act of self harm. While it is the most prevalent one in thought, cutting is by no means the only method of harming yourself. Some people burn themselves, others beat themselves up, many binge and purge, and others yet even drink or smoke. The most common reason for committing self harm is to get away from something. Whether it be depression, pressure, anger, etcetera. As someone who has self harmed, specifically cutting and bulimia, I can attest to the fact that it serves that purpose well. For me, every time I dragged the blade across my skin, it was like a sense of euphoria. Every time I forced my fingers down my throat, I felt so in control.That's what makes it so addicting. Whenever something makes you upset, or you feel at a loss, self harm becomes the easiest and simplest way out. I never used to understand why people did it, and I thought it was moronic. But now I see the allure of it. And once it hits you, it hits you hard. It becomes extremely difficult to quit. After doing it for so long, you start to crave it even when you're not upset. There have been times and still are times when I feel completely happy, yet I would still cut and it would make me even happier. No matter how hard you try to escape, there will always be relapses. But you know the thing about relapses? They're normal. They show you how far you have come, and how much you have to lose. So from someone who has relapsed many times and still continues to relapse, yeah they suck. But theyre a naturally occurring part of any habit which one tries to quit.

So that's my personal opinion of self harm and mutilation. If you or someone you know harms themselves in any way, it's in everyone's best interest to try and help them in any way possible before it develops into an addiction.
-CynicCandor

How People See You

Often the vision others project onto us is how we make ourselves appear within our own minds.
This can cause things such as depression, bipolar disorder, anorexia, bulimia, and suicidal tendencies. When trying to over come these preset images and trying to make yourself more "appealing" to the common population you ruin your body more and get classified. they make you think that you're unfit for society.

But maybe society doesn't want to admit that they fit in with you perfectly.

Not everything is always butterflies and rainbows.
Not everyone can keep their mind occupied with visions of sugarplums in their heads.
There are numerous times when the darkness becomes too overpowering and it seems to engulf us whole.
But even on those dark nights when the moon is hidden and the stars aren't aligned; there's still a tint to the sky.
There's still hope even if it isn't all too bright to us.
One day in the future you'll be able to see that light more clearly.
Somebody will be there to provide you with more light rather than take a piece of that hope for themselves.
Eventually all those remarks the bullies said, all those diagnostic results you were presented with, all the other people who thought were better because other's obscured your vision; they will mean nothing.
They will be what ultimately boosts you up to your full potential.
Just remember that Nightlings. You may feel like there's nothing left but no matter what you do you will do GOOD.
Things will get BETTER.
Somebody will provide you with the strength to continue and you will pass it on. The chain will continue and we will all make it through these rough patches.

If you ever need help with something or you need to vent without worrying what others may say please do not hesitate to privately message us. We share our stories with you because we don't want you to feel alone in this world. It breaks our hearts to know that the things we went through, some people are suffering ten fold.

Could you imagine the pain you suffer through being pushed onto anyone else? You're the only one strong enough to get through this and you will.

Stay Strong Nightlings.
Always shine your light bright so others can see the way too.