Across the street small families are seated to enjoy a nice dinner out.
But around you is a cloud of despair that continues to consume your life.
There was a time when that cool autumn breeze was passing through your clothes as you ran after friends and screamed in joy.
One night long ago you went out for your birthday and everyone sang to you, you may have even hid your smile as you were embarrassed.
But anymore there isn't much of anything that can trigger even a chuckle from you.
Although you were once surrounded by dozens of people who cared for your well being, they've slowly vanished from your sight. At first the numbers just dwindled here and there but as you let the words of the world become ingrained in your thick skull, you couldn't believe some people were there.
Susie always did think you were a lazy bum.
Mike never wanted to hang with you when his friends were around.
David called you a whore that night he left you for your best friend.
Rachel and Gabby use to tell the whole school your family problems.
How could any of them think of staying beside you when i was all true. Everyone was becoming fed up with you. Even you are fed up with yourself.
A car passes down the pitch black street every half hour or so.
Feet dangling over the side of the roof, you wonder what it would take to end it all.
You're only a story above the ground, a story and a half max. Maybe if you did some damage prior it might do the trick.
You've pushed yourself too far.
The little things definitely contribute but you let it get you down.
...
Over the years I have faced difficulties of my own.
Since the day I could understand what the words meant; I listened to my older sister curse out my father. She screamed that he wasn't her father; that she wish she didn't have to stay here, that she didn't understand why she had to be the one to take care of me. Numerous nights the cops would come knocking on our door, my sister loved to run away to go drink with her friends. And I watched her as she climbed out our bedroom window and down the spout to her friends. I'd sit there for hours waiting for her to come back. It didn't matter what she did to me; she could smash my fingers in the door, she could drop me on my head, she could threaten to tear the head off my teddy bear. She was my sister and some nights I worried she wouldn't come home. When I turned 9 she went away for good. She joined the military and left our small town behind without ever looking back at us.
Similarly when I was 12, my older brother decided he had had enough and left us behind. He swiped whatever he could from my father's supply and ran off with his 15 year old girlfriend to become a drug dealer. We hadn't always expected this from him. Taught to respect his elders and how to protect himself, we thought he would be a good citizen and get a job to start a family of his own. Much rather the strict rules of our house drove my brother to steal from my parents and to hang with the wrong crowd. He rebelled as best as he could and when we tried to help him he pushed us away. Accused us of suffocating him to death. Now we hardly hear from him and I'm personally worried that as much as he puts the police down and supports legalizing weed, he is going to get himself killed before he has the chance to see what he can do.
Not too long ago my sister made contact with us. She had gotten married and had a kid; he had just turned 3 when her troubles started up. My "brother in law" was beating on them and she couldn't get away. She wanted our help to get him locked up long enough that she could come home and be protected but she didn't want to ruin his career because she still loved him and thought he meant well. After so long he got fed up with her and after much bickering, many bruises, and several attempts to take my nephew away from him....she lost full custody. She was allowed to care for my nephew until he came of schooling age but if something were to happen to her or him, his parents got custody of the kid. She couldn't stand the thought of giving up my nephew and was sent back to us until the military could resolve the conflict. She made the mistake one day, and sent my nephew back to see his father for a weekend. She hasn't been able to see him since. She is still married to the douche, and is pregnant with a second kid from a guy she met while back with us.
A few months prior to this revelation of hers, one of my younger brothers was pushed to his own breaking point. Because he had a different train of thought and because we live a different lifestyle than most; kids at his school made him feel like he was better off killing himself than trying to talk to somebody and make friends with other people who understood him. He was abruptly taken away from us and we didn't get to spend our holidays with him. After the state realized that his mentality was fine, for a kid that should be diagnosed as autistic; they released him back to us. Now he deals with constant bullying because he has aids that follow him everywhere. He comes home frustrated and some times is very similar to a ticking time bomb.
My little sister is forced to live in our shadows and becomes disoriented when compared to us. Going through puberty is challenging for her as she has an identity crisis to find herself.
...
Everyone has their own way of coping. Some run off. Others commit themselves to drugs. A few become prone to abuse from themselves and from others. For some they think giving in to what others want is the answer. The list of possibilities is endless and nobody has the same method of escaping.
...
These issues for instance aren't my own but they have caused so much anxiety for myself. For a while I would surround myself in the people I thought were beneficial to my being. But slowly they could no longer relate to me and what I was going through. They became annoyed by my constant search for relationships and for people to talk with. I slowly became more of an introvert. I resorted to climbing out the window similarly to my sister. I dangle my feet over the side and I contemplate what would happen if i just slipped one night and snapped my neck; nobody would notice me until morning. Constantly I think of who might be aware of my non existence but nothing prominently sticks out in my head.
After my grandfather passed away last year and my families became more jumbled. My self diagnosed depression got worse and my desire to keel over started to run over my drive.
For the longest time the only thing that kept me sane was a single friend whom I call Lazi and the urge to prove my family wrong that I can make a living as a forensic scientist. That friend hasn't talked to me much she got a new boyfriend and my hope of becoming educated in my desired field shrivels more every day as my family goes further and further into debt. But when one door closes another one opens. And so I'm struggling with my own thoughts and especially right now with the anniversary of my grandfather's death my depression is worsening.
...
We all have to be there for one another. I hope you don't feel alone in this world. I hope you feel comfortable with somebody enough to release your thoughts to them before too much pressure builds up. If you don't; please; PLEASE message me right away so I can help you get through this. We can help each other.
....
Good evening Nightlings. Stay strong and shine your light bright.
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