Ghosts and Dreams

Hello and welcome to another post. Today, I'm sharing something I haven't done before, but I had a dream that I feel I need to share with someone, as it struck me in a way I didn't think things would at this point in the healing stage.

I had a dream where my stepdad would come back in human form anytime my sister or I were experiencing a hard time. You could touch him and have a conversation, but only when it was just you two. If someone else walked in, he was gone, and you were left to solve your problem on your own. I thought I was coping with the loss of a few family members quite well, but this one hit me hard, and I wanted to share the experience. If you are going through a rough patch, there are people out there having the same thoughts and feelings as you. There will be someone to help or just listen you just have to find them, and I think that's what this dream was telling me, that someone is there. I am someone who believes in ghosts. I am quite skeptical when it comes to a lot of the media of ghosts out there because a lot of it has been faked. I have had a few ghost experiences in my life, one of which was at my sister's house when I was staying over for a day or two. I was falling asleep on the sofa bed in the living room, and she went to her bedroom after a little while. I thought she had come back into the room. She has this giant cabinet that almost reaches the ceiling. I should say my sister is about 5 feet tall. I thought she had come back in the room to grab a pair of shoes off the top of this cabinet because that's what was on the top. I open my eyes to see a dark shadow almost as tall as the ceiling, just standing there. I naturally thought that was my sister and closed my eyes to go back to sleep. I did not once think about how my sister would need to be standing on the sofa bed to reach up to where the shoes were. I didn't think that if that was the case, the bed would have moved a bit with her getting up to the cabinet, and she probably would not be getting shoes out for the next day that late at night.  My tired brain really did not give me any logic in that situation, but it was perfectly fine.

We had a chat the next day, and I asked if she had come back into the room and stood on the sofa bed when she thought I was asleep the previous night. It turns out she hadn't, but someone else who had stayed there in the past had a similar experience. What do you think it was? 

It's a shorter post today because I am in my feelings a little bit and will think about this a lot for the rest of the day. Thank you so much for reading, and I will see you next Friday with another review. Take care :)

The WORST Experience of My Life

Hello and welcome to another post where I just put my thoughts and feelings down here so I can process what just happened. I will have to give you a bit of back story, and not many people will probably want to read this, so if you don't want to read about periods, then this is not the post for you, and that's completely fine. I have other movie reviews and gaming reviews that are some recent posts or you could scroll further back to when I was taking care of my nan.

A few weeks back, I had tried to get more of the pill I used to not have periods. I first got them prescribed at the age of 14. I think I started getting my period when I was 12, and that happened at possibly the worst place it could have more on that in a bit, because that was not the main story I wanted to talk about today.

I got these pills from a young age, and I would only really have a period when I took one late, and it was okay to have a week on and then take the pills, but the older I got, the worse they were. So if I missed a pill, I would take it when I realised and just continue taking them the next day. This was okay for a few years. I would have a day or two of bleeding, and then it would stop, but the more this happened, the worse it got. If I missed one a couple of years down the line, I would have a period for about two weeks.

That brings us up to a few weeks ago, I made an appointment because they wouldn't give me a repeat prescription, this was a phone call appointment and It rang while I was in the bathroom and it only rang twice so I couldn't even run to pick up the phone, they did not try to call back and I understand they are busy but you have to wait more often than not longer for them to call because they are running behind, I know I have waited an extra half an hour because they were running so behind and they ask the same questions every time. Once I had to take one of those phone calls while in the middle of a shop; it was kind of embarrassing, but hey, I survived that.

Anyway, because I missed this phone call, they did not get back in contact with me, and they sent an email to my GP. That's fine, I thought, except it wasn't, it was not accepted until a month later, to that point, I had already run out. The pain didn't hit me all at once until it was a Thursday, and that's when I could not get out of bed. We were in a heat wave in the UK at the time, so a hot water bottle was out of the question since my room was already so stuffy. I was using ice poles (or icey pops for my American friends) on my back and on my stomach. I was melting these ice poles, so much so that I almost debated getting a freezer in my room to make it so much easier. The pain was like lightning shooting up my back, so I spent about 48 hours in the fetal position, not wanting to be alive because I had never experienced anything like this before. I do not wish to experience anything like this again. The pain was a 12/10, and I really wish I was exaggerating, but I could not stand up for more than a minuet I tried to make some toast and ended up with warm bread because I could not wait for it to toast because standing was just awful.

I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

I said I would tell you about the time I got my first period because I probably will never do another post about this topic lets just get it over and done with all in this one.

I was 12 I think and I was staying with my nan and dad for the weekend, my dad had gone out to an emergency call so it was just me and my nan, I went to the bathroom and there it was a big red stain in white underwear (cause it always has to be the white undies) I didn't know what to do, I called my mum and just sat on the toilet. I was so scared to tell my nan what I had just experienced. Eventually, my mum convinced me to talk to my nan, and I don't really remember the conversation, so it must have been very awkward. She ended up taking me into her room and she had a really old box of whats known as pantie liners (I think they should be called something else I hate the word pantie) they are a smaller version of a pad (maybe they should be called mini pads) it did the job okay until I came home where my mum gave me a leaflet about periods and that was that. 

Thank you so much for giving me the time to read about something I never thought I would put on the internet, but here we are. If you are a young girl around the age when you may get your period soon, my advice is, get some pads now, put a few in each bag you use regularly, and you shouldn't have to have any weird, awkward conversations with your grandparents or friends' parents because it can happen at any moment, really. I don't want you to be scared of it happening, as it is a part of life, and we have to deal with it, so it is far better to be overprepared than unprepared. I have a little section in each bag with tissues, a small packet of wet wipes, and ibuprofen or some sort of painkiller. You got this! Have a great rest of your day, and I will see you next Friday with another review of some sort. Take care. :)

Besties Across the World - The Power of Twitch

Hello and welcome to another post by me, Lilly. Today, I would like to talk about an online platform that could help you if you are feeling alone.

 It's crazy to think that I have met some of the best people in my life on Twitch; basically, my whole friend group is people I have met on Twitch. A lot of them are from England or pretty close, such as Ireland and Scotland. The group I have all have similar intrests but when someone finds something new, they share it with the group. It's a great community we have created over a three-year span, but seriously, these people are some of the best I have ever met in my life, and I am glad something like Twitch exists where people all across the world have the opportunity to chat and hang out without it being in person.  I actually came across Rambo because of my sister raiding into her, and I am so glad to call Rambo my bestie. This woman is outgoing, has similar goals in life to me, and she will message me every day. Twitch really has changed my life for the better, and you don't need to be streaming to make great friends from the platform. Just make a profile, search for a game you are interested in, and find someone who doesn't have that many viewers. I feel like a lot of people make the mistake of going into the bigger streamers' streams, but a lot of messages in the bigger streamers' chats will get missed. I recommend that you find someone who has single to double-digit viewers, as you may have better luck making a connection with the streamer and their viewers. Just remember, you are never alone. There is always someone out there willing to listen you just have to find them.

A little warning, if you are brand new at twitch there is such a thing as Twitch etiquette. Not every streamer wants to hear things such as bad thoughts or experiences; try to keep the conversation light. Maybe after sending a few messages in someone's chat, tell them it's your first time on Twitch or that you are new and are still learning what to do and what not to do. If you stream do not say in their chat that you stream too, I can only speak for my community but we tend to just give everyone a shout out so it will become known that you are also a streamer, some people will ask if you stream or what you stream, that ids your moment to shine let them know a little bit about what you do. Respect the chatters, respect the streamer, and respect the rules. If you follow this guide, you should be pretty good to go. Good luck in your Twitch adventures.

Thank you so much for reading. I really appreciate your time, and if you are someone who is feeling alone and wants to talk to someone, I stream most Thursdays and Saturdays, 8pm to 11 p.m. GMT. I hope you have a great rest of your day, and I will see you in the next blog post, I do or see you in a stream :)

Falling out of love with food and the journey back

 Hello, friends. Welcome back to my ramblings. I know it's been a while, but I don't always have much to say on the things that are going on in my everyday life that would be interesting. But I do now, so buckle up, maybe this is something you can relate to.

For the past month, I have not really found any enjoyment in food. I eat the same few meals on a rotation that doesn't change up all that much. Granted, I will eat them in different orders to add a little more variety. But myself and food haven't ever really gotten on so well. I started being a vegetarian around the age of 16-ish, and it didn't occur to me that I should keep the date. I decided to change my dietary choices in my brain, but it has been a while since I made that choice. 

For the past month, food has just not been satisfying. I am eating, you know, you have to do that to stay alive, but it just doesn't hit the spot. I don't think I could add too many new things to make food hit the spot of satisfaction. I will try to hunt for some new dishes to make, and try to let you know if it changes. I just don't know why my body is saying no, this isn't good enough.

A list of the different foods I have made that didn't hit the spot recently;

Cheese pizza, vegetarian spaghetti bolognese with garlic, oregano, cheese, and raw onion, hash browns with cheese topped with garlic and raw onion, fake roast chicken, roast potatoes, Yorkshire pudding, broccoli and cauliflower, cheese and onion sandwich, cheese on toast, cheesy chips, fake bacon sandwich, cheesy pasta with garlic, oregano, and raw onion.

I had no idea so many of the meals I have regularly, have so much cheese in them, and I am lactose intolerant.  

I don't eat fish, I am not a fan of many different vegetables, but I am still eating fruits. I wanted to say this just in case I got some judgment on the whole meal thing. Maybe one day my palate will mature a little bit to the point of being able to enjoy foods such as ratatouille, eggplant, etcetera.

I have recently tried spinach for the first time. It's actually been a whole week of me putting spinach into everything, I put it on cheese on toast, and pizza. I have even had three sandwiches for dinner this past week, and I have put them in those too. I think I am finally starting to get back to at least being okay with making something, and it actually tastes fine. I think a big part of finding my way back to enjoying the food I am eating was getting my mental health in check and also finding something new to spice things up a bit.

If you feel like you are falling out of love with something, try taking a step back and looking at it from a different angle. It doesn't just have to be food. It could be anything. For example, when I am not feeling great, and I feel like maybe this is the start of a depression spiral, I will do everything I can to not feel like I am falling even further. Having a shower is always something that makes me feel less icky, and tidying up my surroundings can help with that too. Even though tidying/cleaning can feel overwhelming, tackling the task before you can think about it too much might be the best way to go. Wake up and get on with it, don't sit doom-scrolling rotting away. Do the thing that needs to be done because eventually it will feel like a weight off your shoulders. It's the same for falling out of love with food. Try meal prep, something in the morning that will go towards your dinner in the evening. 

Things will get better; you just have to give it time. Thank you so much for reading. I hope you have a great rest of your day, and I will see you in my next post. :)

Starting The New Year With A New Opportunity

Hello and welcome back to my ramblings.

I wanted to do a little bit of self-promo, but since it's the last day of December, I wanted to say I hope you had a great Christmas and a happy holiday, depending on what you celebrate. Personally, I am not one for Christmas. I hate the Christmas music they blast in every shop, it's way over commercialised, and the suicide rate goes through the roof, because people get depressed, and it all gets too much as Christmas is about being with family, giving and receiving presents.  I like the gathering of family and having a nice meal together, but something always seems to go wrong in my family's Christmas; someone gets upset or yelled at. It always seems to be a similar occurrence. I don't like the pleasure of trying to keep the peace. I have known Santa wasn't real for the longest time; I knew it was my mum putting all the presents under the tree and things in the stockings. The part that makes Christmas so sad for me is knowing my mum goes overboard because she didn't get Christmas when she was younger. Her mum was a Jehovah's Witness for many years, so my mum wasn't allowed to celebrate this holiday, so I try to show I'm enjoying it when she brings out the copious amounts of decorations to decorate the house. Every year, I can remember there was always something to start yelling about when it came to putting up the tree. Last year, I said I'm not helping because I'm over all the arguments. I don't think we ended up with a tree at all, and I'm probably to blame for that. There was just so much furniture to move around. Getting a plastic tree out of the loft (attic) and putting plastic decorations on it isn't my idea of fun. That's probably enough Christmas talk, as you may also be burned out from the holiday. 

My point of this post was to tell you all I have a podcast coming out on January 5th, the link will be linked in my last few videos on my channel if you want to check it out. It might be good if you are struggling to find something that covers a wide range of topics. Most of the editing is done by me, but this podcast isn't owned by me; it's one of my closest friends' whom I met in college. His name is Leo, and he has a calm, soothing voice that you may find great for winding down to. He gives the vibe of an old vampire/wizard, and as soon as I met him, I thought, vampire. We will talk in the podcast about how we all came to know each other. For now, the podcast is just myself and Leo. As the podcast progresses, we will expand our topics, but I will give you a sneak peek. We have our first episode as a sort of get-to-know-us episode. I know it may not sound like a very interesting episode, but trust me, it gets better.

There was a podcast I was starting with another group of friends but it didn't end up turning out quite the way I had happed so I have my fingers crossed that this one goes better than the first one did (none of the episodes ended up being posted from the last attempt). We may end up having a few guests on but that depends on who is free on the days we are recording. 

Tune in every Monday for Ink and Ashes. It's going to be a rollercoaster. ~ Lilly

Lilly's thoughts and opinions on the recent changes to Dead By Daylight

Hello and welcome to some game talk. I try my best to play a lot of games, but I keep going back to a few favorites every time. Dead by Daylight is one of those games, and if you have seen any of my YouTube content, it is probably something related to Dead by Daylight. I don't quite have 1000 hours in the game yet, but as of me writing this, I have 900 hours in the game on Steam, so I am getting there. Dead by Daylight was my gateway into gaming with friends, as I had played a few games on my Xbox and Nintendo DS that were solo, such as Minecraft, Disney Dreamlight Valley, and Nintendogs. But Dead by Daylight was my first game that wasn't really in my comfort zone, and it was multiplayer. My sister said I should try it, and I did. That very night, after I had downloaded it, I hopped into a VC with her friends and tried the game. I wasn't the biggest fan at first, as everything was new, including these people with whom I was now hanging out. For those who don't know, I am an introvert. I don't really like meeting new people or spending time with people, but it has gotten better through streaming, and I am decent at hanging out with people online if I know them a little. Streaming was a way to take me out of my comfort zone, and it really has! I have met some wonderful people through playing DBD and through streaming. I am so glad I tried both. 

Once I got more into the game Dead By Daylight I then experienced some of the different events that they have started doing more often for example the anniversary events of the game being out turned into playing the game as much as possible and getting all the blood points I possibly could because the blood point bonus cakes were in the blood web at the time so it turned into a whole grind situation. Then they started doing the 2v8 limited-time event game mode, and I absolutely love this, as you can play as a killer with your friends. It's so much fun, but it takes roughly 20 minutes to get a match as a killer, and if you are playing survivor, you can get a match almost instantly. I love this game mode so much that I even made a series on it for YouTube, so if you would like to see what I am talking about, you can head on over and check it out. It's called through the killer's eyes. I am recording the content for season two of this series, as so many people loved it. When Behaviour (The makers of the game Dead By Daylight) brought this game mode back, they had added a new feature for the killer. The feature is that if you are playing Killer, you don't have to wait in these ridiculously long killer queues; you can ready up with your friend you are playing killer with for a survivor game. The ratio ends up being 2:1. You get about 2 games as a survivor before you get 1 killer game. This is okay if you like both sides, and I do. However, it can be a little annoying going back and forth. I have been clicking wrong buttons as the killer because when I load into the killer match, my brain is still in survivor mode, plus with my series hanging in the balance, I would like to get more killer games recorded than survivor games. For the series, I like to have a total of twenty-two episodes, just like a regular TV series. 

Don't get me wrong, I love that they have made it so you can play as a survivor while you wait for a killer game. I  just wish the ratio were a little more balanced. They could introduce some incentives to have new people play the game, such as some free cosmetics for simply playing during the event, and not just a login bonus while this specific event is running. Maybe one day they will fix it, but maybe not. One can always hope.

Thank you so much for reading my mad ramblings. I hope you have a great rest of your day, and I will see you in the next one. 

Words May Not Be Knives But They Still Sting

"You aren't better than anybody."

As if I didn't already know that. Thank you so kindly for pointing it out and giving one final nail in the coffin to end the day.

I was not expecting those words to come out of your mouth. Not out of the mouth of somebody I thought I was on good terms with. Not out of the mouth of somebody who was my mentor. Not out of the mouth of somebody who just a few days ago was sending my Instagram reels about Build-A-Bear, and I was sending photos back because I already had seen and gotten it.

You saying those words, directed at me or otherwise, sent me spiraling. I didn't say anything back to you; it would have been disrespectful. But in my head, all I could think was, I know I'm not. I am less than worthy. I am less than dirt. All I could think about were all my faults, all the wrongs I have ever done in my entire life. How I wish I could take it all back, change every little detail. But then I realize I am not me without these flaws, without these mistakes. Some would even say I am not human without them.

Does it make me less sad, no, but it makes me realize just a little that the tears I held back then, the tears I let stream down my face as I was driving away later on, weren't worth shedding.

I shed them anyway, though, because words do hurt. They leave mental scars that are nearly impossible to heal.

Don't Stress, Know Your Worth

I took some time away from writing to catch up on content creation. 

I really hate to fall behind on anything, but it can be hard to find the motivation. I know personally, I have been struggling to keep on top of things recently, and I wanted to drop everyone a reminder that whatever you have going on in your life that you may be struggling with right now; you have the power to take control and not feel lost out at sea drowning like you may feel from time to time. 

If it's work that is taking over your life, set boundaries. It's not your job to take on more than you can do. Act your wage. I like this phrase because I was doing so much for the last company I worked for; they just kept piling things on me to get sorted on my shifts, and honestly, it was far too much. I think back to those times a lot; it helps me stay on the course I have set out for myself, and you can do the same. The extra tasks I was given were ridiculous since I worked nights, and more often than not, I was on my own trying to get everything done when I was picking up tasks that the staff who worked in the day time should have completed. I loved that job, but the more that was piled on that I couldn't handle, plus some of the staff being hostile, made work so stressful when it really didn't need to be. So only take on what you can handle. Do not overwhelm yourself with a company; after all, they would easily fill your position if you left. If they want to add more tasks to your daily to-do list, speak up, ask what compensation you will be getting for taking on the extra workload. 

You got this! ~ Lilly 

Letters I'll Never Send

Dear mom.

I'm sorry I've been spending so much time out of the house. I know you miss me, and you're probably worried sick, but I promise I'm keeping myself safe. I just don't know how to explain to you that being with him every day feels better than being in this house. Leaving J was a good idea, you know that and you agree with me. As much as you say that you don't care that I'm with T now I see the look in your eyes when I tell you I'm going out. the concern hidden behind the understanding. 

Enjoy the little things

 After my nan passed away it was weird to not have to go downstairs many times in an hour to make sure she was drinking. Looking at the empty bed where she stayed for many months before leaving us alone, was very strange. It felt wrong and still does. There is a few brighter things to think about such as the memories I made with her over my life, my fondest being something I was so embarrassed to think back on until now was me dancing around the dinning room with Christmas music playing to put on a 'show' for her. I was wearing a pink swimming consume covered in different sized poker dots and a bright green inflatable rubber ring. The rubber ring was mean to be a tutu and the swimming costume was as close to a leotard that I could get. I hated thinking back at that memory and always cringed when I did but hey its on the internet now and it will stay with me until the day I die. I do regret not getting to know her better as I got older but she would always spend time with her 'boyfriend' and i didn't want to spend time with the both of them because it was weird. I could not have a conversation with that guy at all, he was a very nice man and every easter he bought me a lint easter bunny. The one with the red ribbon with a bell. It was the same every year but other than the few passing moments with him, I didn't get to know him too well and technically he also electrocuted me. The pond in the garden has always had a bird problem... birds come and go and take fish with them. So this man was an electrician in the navy when he was working because at the time I knew him he was retired. Anyway he decided to put an electric fence around the pond to deter these birds. As a child I loved watching the fish in the pond swim around and it was even better when the frogs had layed their eggs and they would turn into tadpoles. I used to put my hands in the pond and let them pick off dead skin, it was a win win situation. I did it before it was cool to put your hands and feet in water with aquatic things to let them eat your dead skin cells and even better I didn't have to pay for it.

 Back to the original thought, once this fence was up around the pond he said it was safe as long as I didn't touch the wire. I didn't touch it before you think to yourself oh she's going to do that. I did not. I sat on the grass hands on the flat stones around the pond and guess what I could feel coursing through my body. If you guessed electric, congratulations you win. I told my dad and he was like oh thats weird but we moved on so for the few years this electric fence was around the pond I would always feel the electric in my arms while leaning on the stones to watch the fish live their care free lives. 

Many years later I was talking to my dad about it and apparently my nans 'boyfriend' had wired it in wrong and thats the whole reason I could feel it. Its almost like I knew what it should have been like, but no one listens to children. You can say you do but you don't trust in them the way you trust your partner or your parental figures. This is a warning if you are a parent really try to listen to your child/children if they have a concern. 

But for ages I thought i was super conductive. Sad to know the truth now. 

But this is a sort of goodbye post to my nan, I did love her and I hope she is having the very best time in the afterlife and its nice to think she is back with her boyfriend again and I didn't put that in quotations because of the last little story I want to share is that man I mentioned earlier also had dementia and they would still hang out, for years I made the joke that he was her boyfriend and when they both started getting further down the dementia path me and my dad found them kissing in the conservatory. It made me think I was right all those years. I don't know why they felt the need to hide it or if they had only just started a relationship i don't know but he went before her and its nice to think she has joined him.  

Productivity In Waves, Prepare When You Can

For the past week, I have been basically home alone, which has been great for getting work done but not so much with other things. I look after my nan, she has dementia, she is currently not interested in eating, and I don't want to get morbid, but I think the end is nigh. I have been so behind on work recently, too, so putting in the 5-6 extra hours a day has been great. I have managed to crack on with making videos. At the time of writing this, I think I have made at least 30 new videos for YouTube (I'm stocking up for winter). My dad won't want me on my pc in the winter because he is trying to save as much money on electricity as possible. I will still be on my pc from 8pm to 2am, but not from almost the moment I wake up to the moment I am heading to bed. Moving has its bonuses and its drawbacks. So I haven't worked out how many videos I need to cover me for the winter period. I hope it will be enough by the time it arrives. Yes, I know it's the summer now. Yeah, I know there's a lot of time, but it does creep up on you, and you have to be prepared for whatever life throws at you. I try my best to stay on top of my work, and then the things I take on to help other people out, because I'm like that. If I can help on a non-emotional topic, then I will try my best, sometimes by putting in hours of research. Not everyone I have spent hours upon hours helping has been as kind to me, but we move on, such is life and all that. I hope by the end of summer to have another season of a video series ready and scheduled. I would like to have at least tried 10 new games to sprinkle in, and it's not needed, but preferable to have at least 20 new video ideas that are fully formed. Going back to my whole nan situation, we did have some nutrient supplement drinks show up on the doorstep two or three days ago (as of when I am writing this).

So far, they have been a godsend, and I do not believe in the good book; I have my own thoughts and opinions about all that. The drinks come in four flavours, strawberry (they didn't have any in stock this time round), chocolate, banana and vanilla. Because I have been in charge I have been choosing what flavour each day Banana was day one and she said it was nice I was rather shocked that she spoke to me because it was a very non verbal day for her, Day 2 was vanilla she also said it was nice but drank far less and didn't keep telling me it was nice like she did on day one so I think the winning flavour so far is banana. Personally, I hate the banana one, it smells foul, too artificial for my liking, and the smell is strong, so it's not the most fun time, but hey, at least she is drinking it. We are looking into booking a funeral so we are prepared for the worst, but I might be fearing the worst when in reality, she could potentially outlive me. Better to be prepared for a storm than turn a blind eye, right?

Day 3 I tried my nan on the chocolate drink, I will just call it a milk shake because it has that sort of consistency she didn't say it was nice right way I think it was day 5 that she said it was nice, but since then she has not said a word to anyone, not me, not my dad or any of the carers. I think we are on about day 7 or 8 of these new drinks and they seem to be good for her but she doesn't put the cup on the table she puts it on her bedcover then moves later on and it goes all over the plastic covering the carpet specifically for this reason we have the plastic sheet on the floor, in fact it takes 3 sheets of this large plastic on the floor to protect the carpet from getting ruined. She has in the past poured a whole cup of tea on the floor on purpose and couldn't tell me why.

Edit: My nan died in her sleep on Monday the 23rd of June 2025

Did You Know You Can Control Your Dreams?

Welcome to my very excited segment of how I had my first lucid dream after trying for years to manipulate my dreams. 

A little backstory, quickly, I stopped saying good night to people and started saying sweet nightmares because I would have nightmares way more often than dreams, it felt like a little secret that was mine and mine alone. I was hoping that their nightmares would be sweet and nothing like what my brain was coming up with. 

For years, I had dreams of being chased by clowns, drowning, seeing everyone I loved die in horrific manors, and the worst one SPIDERS. I do not like spiders one iota (one 'bit' for my American friends). 

My first lucid dream was me exploring an abandoned caravan. This place was filthy, covered in dust, and had large cobwebs everywhere. The last location in this caravan I explored was the bedroom. This was where the nest of black widow spiders lived. I went in and found a huge female spider; she told me she was the queen and controlled all her children. She continued on saying I would not get out alive. She tried sending her children to feast upon the meal that stood before them (me), but none of them moved more than a few centimeters. I told her I was in charge and that they would do what I wanted. I controlled them, and it turned out we liked each other's company. I would let her children crawl up my arms and into my hands just to hang out. That's when I realized I was in control of my own dream. 

Spider dreams often end up with me waking up sweating after they have crawled up my body and cocooned me to save for later. But I'm so happy to have finally achieved a successful lucid dream, and I can't wait to see if I will be able to do it again in the future. 

Thank you so much for reading. I know this one was shorter, but I wanted it to have its own time to shine with nothing overshadowing it. 

Have a great rest of your day and stay hydrated, you wonderful beans <3

Just A Little Check-In With Lilly

I had to take my cat to the vets this week because there was blood in her poo. I bought some worming stuff safe for kittens, as the vet thought it could be a parasite in her lower gut. Fingers crossed it clears up because I hate to think my baby is in pain or unwell. In other news, the pond is still clean (cleaned it out recently) and the heron has not been back to attack the fishies (I told this story in one of Luna's streams). We have 70 fish in said pond. I am hoping to do movie reviews and book reviews when I have consumed some new content myself, rather than making content all the time and burning myself out. I don't think it's talked about enough. But do not overdo it if you feel you have a lack of motivation and energy, please take a day off, take some time to look after yourself, eat a great meal, drink some water, or maybe relax with a book under a blanket or watch a movie on the couch. You are important and you matter, don't burn yourself out for a job that is barely paying you enough to survive because lets be honest, most people are on minimum wage and barely surviving some people work two jobs just to provide for their family not taking their own health both physical and mental into consideration. You deserve some me time. Challenge yourself to find an hour a day to do something that's just for you. Not your boss. Not your job. Not your family. Taking care of yourself needs to be a priority. I know this isn't my usual content, but I just felt like this would be nice to share. All the ups and downs, have a great rest of your day, and stay hydrated, you wonderful beans <3

The Type Of Person You Are - Relationship Cheater

Welcome back to my excited ramblings. I have thought about more I want to say, and each week there will be a small update, and if I've watched or read something, I will tell you about that too!

So, I have started recording a podcast with two people I hold very dear in my heart, and so far it's going well. I have made characters for myself and one of the other folks involved to make the visuals easier for the viewers/listeners to know who is talking, and while yes, it may not have been completely necessary, it was a fun activity to do because who doesn't love procrastinating one project with the next. (God knows Rambo does lol) 

I'm very excited to be working on the podcast, as we have spoken about it as a group of three for a whole year, so I finally said, let's just go for it and start. It may not be normal, but I love to stock up on content just in case something happens, so we have decided as a group to stock up on about 20 episodes just in case we can't record specific days. Illness could get in the way, and people go away for holidays, and any family emergency could happen at any point. So I would rather be overprepared than under if you get me. You could view me as the type to overpack on a holiday, but my last holiday, I actually didn't pack enough socks, so I had to pinch my socks off of my boyfriend at the time. 

Which leads us into my actual story-time tale for you. He isn't my boyfriend anymore. I was set to go on yet another big family trip with him when, just a few days before we flew out to America, he went out clubbing and cheated on me with a man. It was also 2 or 3 days before my birthday, so that really hurt me because I knew I was going to spend almost 2 weeks in a foreign country with him and his family. It was too late to back out, and I had paid for my flight and my part of the accommodation. Couldn't lose out on that well-earned money I had spent, y'know?

Regardless, I'm so glad I went because I got to see Florida, and it was a great time. In the back of my mind, I always knew he was going to be reminded of me because his family took so many group pictures, so if he looks back, he will forever be reminded of how he messed it up. 

I pictured marrying this man, I truly loved him, and the day I saw the video of him French kissing this other man, it felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces, but I had to pull myself together and not make him aware that I knew what he did while we were in America. Granted, this happened a long time ago, and I'm fully over it at this point. I still think about it from time to time. I wonder if I did the right thing or not. Literally a day before we were meant to fly out, my mum was saying 'you are really brave for going through with this' and 'you don't have to go if you don't want to'. I just kept reminding myself that there was no point wasting the money I had worked so hard to save up for this trip, that I wasn't going to let my emotions get in the way. 

There was one night where most people had gone to bed and I was left alone chilling in the hot tub with his dad who confronted me because he knew something was off so I told him what the problem was, I didn't want to tell him but I did because he wouldn't let me leave the conversation until I told him the problem. So I told him and asked him to not say anything because I was still figuring out if I could forgive him because I did love him. I cried, his dad hugged me, and he dropped the conversation, but I guess I was on borrowed time from then on. 

My ex couldn't believe I knew the truth, as he found out from his dad the night we got home. So we broke up over the phone, him telling me how sorry he was and that he would never do it again. I vaguely remember the call ended with me saying 'Once a cheater, always a cheater'.

Thank you for reading my rambling. I didn't think the story would be that long, but live and learn, as they say. I am stronger from that experience, but it's not a nice feeling to have. 

There was so much more to the story as well, but I don't wish to bore. 

Have a great rest of your day and stay hydrated you wonderful beans <3

The Speed Limit Is NOT A Recommendation

 Did you know that speed limits aren't just meant to be a suggestion? Did you know that they serve more purposes than just giving law enforcement a reason to pull you over? Did you know that following the speed limit could help save a life? Could be your own, could be a child's, could be anyone's!

While leaving for work today, I was pulling out of my apartment complex, and I triple checked both directions before pulling out onto the main road, and the closest car was at least 50 feet away, so I should have had ample time to get out into the street and get up to speed. ESPECIALLY if they were going the speed limit and were being observant and took the fraction of a second to slow down as a courtesy. INSTEAD. They were going over the 25-mile-per-hour speed limit and nearly T-boned me! Then dared to yell at me like it was my fault that they nearly hit me! 

Speed limits are posted to give you time to react to the world around you, to keep the kids playing in the park safe, and to keep traffic flowing on the highway. Not to mention likely other things. So please, for the love of all things living, GO THE SPEED LIMIT.

Thanks

Productivity and Holding Yourself Accountable

It is important to get things done; most people call it being responsible and being an adult. Some tasks that you do can be regular daily chores like laundry or taking out the trash, other tasks can be things like making thumbnails for content online, leisurely items like hanging out with loved ones or catching up on shows; it is all productivity.

I posted recently about list making and if it actually works, but sometimes making the list isn't the only thing you need to do. Sometimes you need to find somebody to help hold you accountable. Preferably somebody who is also trying to get things done, so that you aren't envious of the fun they are having. 
This can prove very beneficial for keeping you on track to keep marking off them items on your list. Of course, at some point, you are going to have completed so much that you think it is time to take a break, and that is also okay. 

Taking breaks is going to help keep you refreshed and help you keep up your energy to get more items done. 

I like to do a rotation of one to two hours of productivity and then 15 to 30 minutes of relaxation.

Eventually, you will work through enough of your to-do list that you will feel like you got something done with your day. 

Or, y'know, you could just keep letting your to-do list build up.

Listie Lists - Helpful or Hurtful?

How do you stay focused on getting stuff done throughout the day? How do you keep track of everything that needs to be done?

Are you the kind of person who just knows what needs to get done and does it immediately without any side quests enabled? Or are you the type of person who needs to pace themselves and take a break between different excursions?

Honestly, I tend to derail super easily, and regardless of whether I have a list made up or not, if I am not in the mood to be productive, then nothing is going to get done! But making a list to begin with can spark that little bit of motivation to get things done that I need in my day. And so, because of this, I am very much a list person. 

Growing up, we had a chore chart that listed all of the different tasks we needed to get done throughout the day, but also throughout the week. This helped my mom to make sure we were all getting things done around the house but it also helped me to know if others had completed something, if I was going to be expected to do something else, and how much I had to get done before I would be allowed to do fun things like have a friend over.

Utilizing lists still remains a part of my life. Grocery lists, chore lists, game lists, book lists. They help me know what I have and have not done or gotten. 

Although, honestly, I recently made a list of things to do for a friend that couldn't figure out what she needed to focus on and I saw how little that list was compared to the things that I needed to get done on my own lists and it made mine feel so much larger than it use to before ....

Sometimes I wish I could wave a magic wand and just poof my list complete.

Productivity is a Mindset

It may be hard to believe, but the act of being productive is all a state of mind. If you have the desire and the drive to be productive, then you will be. Things like weather and timing may play a role in what you are being productive doing but it does not stop you from being productive as a whole. 

Some people stay productive by making lists and locking away all their technology so that they don't get distracted. Others find that having something playing in the background helps them stay productive. However you choose to be productive, it is all in your head on whether you feel like you are being productive or not. 

Sometimes being productive is cleaning the entire house. Sometimes being productive is going shopping and getting all your errands done. Sometimes being productive is starting some new projects like painting furniture. Sometimes being productive is doing all of those things. Other times, being productive is putting your mental health first and just relaxing. 

You may not feel like you are being productive but your brain made the decision on what the priority was and you are being productive in that sense so good job.

Keep it up.

Stay on track.

You got this!

A Little Bit of Chaos

Just a little reflection on my weekend shenanigans.

Sometimes isolation isn't all it is cracked up to be. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it is nice to be left to get your work done and just do as you wish without worrying about what others are thinking or wish they were doing instead. But there are also the times when you are left by yourself not completely by your own choice but because the others around you do not wish to spend time with you. Sometimes it is hard to tell people you wish they would include you. Sometimes it is hard to tell people you wish you could spend more time with them just goofing off. Sometimes you need somebody else to step in and say let the Chaos Commence!

So that is what we did this weekend, we let the chaos take over. There were still some periods of downtime when we did not bother talking to one another. There were definitely some hiccups of not knowing what to do or what to watch. Not being able to get the camera working properly, the microphone being too quiet. Etc. Etc. That did not stop the Chaos though. The fun times, the laughs, the memories; they happened regardless. And I am grateful for that.

Thank you <3

Is She The Sister You Wish You Had?

I woke up yesterday in a little of a mental frenzy. Been wondering lately why it seems I am always alone now. Why have I failed at being a social butterfly like you were? Did I spend too much time focusing on family? Did I spend too much time trying to take care of you all? Did I spend my time trying to make life easier for you all than it was for me, and fail? 

I know we joked around a lot about you moving in with me when I moved out, we were starting to be inseparable the past few years. Growing closer through similar struggles. But having you move in with me did not make sense. You would be nowhere near your job. You wouldn't have a way to get around while I was at work. You wouldn't be able to soar like you wanted, I know that is no different than staying where you were but at least there you had others to continue to help you in a way that even I would not have been able to provide.

I'm both glad and upset that it was her. I'm glad because it is somebody I know and trust and if it came down to it I know she would not let any harm come to you because she is like a long-lost sister too. But I also know that she has not always been able to care for herself. I know that sometimes she needs help with her own demons. And maybe you can help each other in ways that I can't help either of you. Maybe I am not the right person to have been trying to help her. Maybe I just don't understand any of it.

What I do understand is that it hurts that I no longer get to joke with you. It hurts that I no longer get to bug you and you no longer want to bug me. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe I bugged too much and you didn't want to tell me to stop and that is what drove you away.

Maybe that's what drove everyone away. Maybe it will continue to drive everyone away. Maybe my boyfriend will have to set up all my friend outings from now on like he has already done. Maybe he too will get fed up with me. Maybe he is already fed up with me. Maybe he already regrets it all and will hate me more when I pull him away from what little bit of a support system he has.

Am I the Villain?