Halloween

Crisp leaves.

Rustling trees.

A chilly breeze.

Looming fog veil.

Children's wails.

Clattering pails.

Costumes matching trends.

Spooky ghost friends.

Candy that never ends.

These are the things that make Halloween.

Overstaying Your Welcome

Day in, day out. 

Same story, different day.

It becomes mundane.

Wake up, get dressed, go to work, come home, make food, take a shower, go to bed.

Repeat.

You may have a different variance to this, I do.

But doesn't it all just start to seem pointless?

Doing the same tasks, seeing the same people, putting on the same grey face with a fake plastered on smile.

Routine can be good.

Routine can be just as bad.

We don't always have a choice in how things turn out.

We do have a choice in if we choose to sit idly instead of trying to make a change.

So why, 

when life has become over repetitive, 

when we grow weary of the same tasks and the same day repeating over and over, 

when we have had enough with the bullsh*ttery, 

when we know what we would rather be doing and could try and get out of this slump; 

why do we continue to put up with it?

When I know full well that I am outgrowing my room,

when I know full well I have outstayed my welcome,

when I know full well I cause more issues for them and they cause more issues for me than either of us creates positive outcomes for the other;

why do I not take that step and move on?

Why can't I seem to progress forward?

What is holding me back?

Fear.

Self-hatred.

Self-judgement.

Regrets.

Hope.

Fear, of what could happen or what could have happened if I decide to take that first step or had just stayed put a little longer.

Self-hatred, of the choices, the mistakes, I have already managed to accomplish thus far.

Self-judgement, of those choices and the choices I will continue to make, how they make me a coward or a follower or any other negative mindset of an entity.

Regrets, of the things I should have done or could have done.

Hope, that things could still be turned around from where I am right now.

The Trouble with the Word Love

The trouble with the word love, is that I don't understand the meaning of it. The love I have been shown, has been full of lies and deceit. The love I have been shown has been manipulative. 

I'm sure there have been a number of times people have said it and meant it in regards to myself and the moment. But the times when it was not sincere or meaningful vastly outweigh the times when those people in my life just want to help me.

I think I love. I think I understand what I'm saying or doing. But I throw that word out there so often, it does not have a backing.

I love my family. 

I love my friends. 

I love science. 

I love books. 

I love music. 

I love my followers and supporters.

These statements all have different backing to them.

The problem with love, is that it's hard to understand. Its difficult to interpret. It's impossible to hold on to.

And so that "love" that you're trying to show me? 

It makes me feel empty. 

It makes me feel lonely. 

It makes me feel starved. 

It makes me feel isolated. 

It makes me feel malnourished.