Tuesday, December 28, 2021

You Don't Seem to Realize

There are a lot of things that are going to come and go in your life. 

You are going to come and go through a lot of other folks' lives.

Something you don't seem to realize, is the impact you have.

The impact they have.


You change every time somebody says something to you.

You change somebody else every time you brush shoulders with them.

So many other bottles have poured into your bowl, they tainted you, they cleansed you.

You tipped over, you tainted them, you cleansed them.


Who you were,

Who you have become,

Who you will be;

It is all an accumulation of their traits, 

of their actions,

of their reactions.


The world would keep going without you in it.

But.

The world wouldn't be what it is if you hadn't existed.

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

Holiday Traditions

 Holidays tend not to be a very happy time for my household.

It's a shame to say but it is unfortunately true.

And especially now that all of the "kids" in the immediate family are young adults, there are no longer those little trifling acts to keep up appearances. We just let everything slip through the cracks. 

I can pinpoint when in my life those things changed, it really isn't hard to do. It's been a steady decline ever since.

Easier still, is remembering how amazing it use to be, when the magic was still alive and there was still joy spread among us and the twinkle in the eyes hadn't diminished.

Spending that first brisk day in December shivering outside even though you're bundled up in a coat that makes you look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's cousin. As you help drag all of the bright rope lights and candy cane stakes out to the front yard. As you roll out all the tangled green cords trying to have enough length to reach the 10 foot inflatable snow man. The scrapping of the metal reindeer against the asphalt as you struggle to get it out and in line with the others to help pull Santa's sleigh. Going back inside afterwards and wiggling your feet in front of the fireplace trying to thaw your toesies as you slurp out all the half melted mini marshmallows from your cup of luke warm hot cocoa.

Coming home from school every day for over two weeks straight and there being a different sugary aroma wafting out the door because mom had spent the day baking a different one of her 24 cookies for the tins you need to go hand out to friends and family. Clambering up the stool to the counter so you can try and snag a swipe of raw cookie dough from the bowl before she notices but then scattering the tray of fresh, soft cookies as you try to steal one running out of the kitchen because you were not slick enough with the bowl.

Getting to take an envelope of money with you to school with a list of everyone you had to get a present for and trying to save as much of the money as possible because you want to get yourself something too. Grabbing the cheapest of dolphin necklaces for your mom because what woman doesn't love jewelry. Dad gets the new grill flipper that says world's best dad. Little sister gets those smelly erasers while the boys get the grossest and slimiest of goo.

Trying to steal a glance down the laundry shoot to spy what gifts you may all be getting. Y'know, big sis said that during the month of December, Santa relocates his workshop down in the musty basement because his workshop gets too cluttered and it only makes sense that the toys already be in the house when he arrives to re-arrange the gifts because how else would he deliver them to everyone in one night?!

Getting up at 5 AM to drive down to center city Philadelphia on Christmas Eve. Just so you can get a Geno's cheese steak  for breakfast before you head over to Termini's to wait in line for 5 hours while you get to snack on cupcakes the size of your palm and eat cannoli after cannoli of deliciousness that you got to pipe yourself because your dad grew up with the brothers and this is how he loves to spend his birthday. 

Taking the week off from school for Christmas and New Years where you get to spend day after day slowly opening all of your presents and spending hours upon hours lost to your own devices. Getting to build skyscrapers from legos. Reading fantasy novels about damsels in distress and fire breathing dragons. Watching the latest Barbie movie, the one with the little fashion pixie sprites. Having an all out turf war with your brothers because you got the new pink Nerf gun made just for girls. 

Trying to stay up to midnight to watch the ball drop and falling asleep just before.

...

It's funny how that became working through the holidays and not even bothering to stay up until 9 for an evening snack.

Tuesday, December 14, 2021

Quitting

Quitting is a hard thing to do.

Quitting a job. Quitting friendships. Quitting smoking. Quitting drinking. Quitting drugs. Quitting toxicity.

There can be no scale to show which is the hardest, especially since for some, the variables weigh differently on their heart and mind.

Quitting is a necessity sometimes. A necessity to get where you need to be. A necessity to get where you want to be. A necessity to heal.

To start the process, you need to take that little step. But what about when that little step feels like you're about to plunge off the side of the cliff into the rocky waters below? It can seem infinitesimally difficult to do. Having support in the form of friends or family is key. 

It isn't always possible though if cutting off those friends is part of what you are cutting out.


In the end you make your own choices. 

You dig your own grave.

You build up your own pyramid.


If you need to quit your well paying 9-5 office job because the mental strain is deteriorating your health. 

If you need to move out of your family home and just be hopping from couch to couch for a bit because the controlling nature has deteriorated your soul.

If you need to stop talking to that person who has been there to support you through every low mood the past 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, 2 decades; because you have finally realized they are holding you back.

Do it.

Do not let anyone else tell you that you are making the wrong choice.


You will bounce back eventually and you will be magnitudes stronger because of it. You may even be thankful towards those people that caused you to pull away because you wouldn't have become the amazing, powerful, beauty that is staring you back in the eyes from that glossy window a lifetime down the line.

Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Who I Use to Be

Growing and changing is a part of life. 

You should not be staying the same as you were in high school or college, you should continue to grow and become a better version of you. But sometimes becoming that better version of you means taking a sidestep and backtracking because you accidentally took the route that crowded you with weeds rather than blooming petals.

I have had to face many difficult choices over the years, and as hard as that may seem for you to think that a 23 year old has faced choices harder than which outfits to put on, or which tiktok videos to post, or which fast food chain to eat at today; there are a number of us that have had to make adult decisions that affect more than just our own being since an even younger age.

Throughout this choice making process, I have become somebody I disliked, somebody I loved, and somebody I hated because I have gone from letting others blind me from the truth, have enlightened myself and become stronger, and let people drag me down and dictate how my life gets to play out. That time in between, when I loved myself? I felt the most like me. I felt the most at peace with my choices and who I could become. But then I let that person, that version of me, slip back through the cracks because I let others sink under my skin.

I want to become that other version of me again. I don't want her to disappear back into the shadows when something else goes awry though. 

I want to love the literal skin I walk in. 

I want to have confidence in my choices.

I want to be independent and self-sufficient in my endeavours.

I do not want to have a fear of what others will think.

I do not want to be concerned about how others will react to my actions.

I want to be wholeheartedly me and I want to have that stick around for more than just the time I am away at school.

That is going to mean continuing to make those hard choices and throwing my life further into disarray first, all in hopes that I will stay rooted and grow even after the harshest of winters.

Thursday, December 2, 2021

Gub's Introduction!

 Hi! 

My name is Gub, my pronouns are she/her and I am 23 years old. 

My dream is to someday be a National Park ranger and maybe be a science teacher later on. 

Some of my interests include photography, reading, going on hikes, and looking for bugs! 

I am OBSESSED with my bug/oddities collection and just collecting weird things in general; I am clearly part goblin in spirit! 

I am excited to blog about nature, science, and personal stories/emotions in my life. 

I am currently in community college and hopefully will go to a university soon. 

Thank you for the invitation to this blog, I’m excited for the future!  

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

What are Palindromes

Palindromes are an interesting phenomenon. 

They are more commonly recognized in words rather than number combinations but they can exist in both.


Palindromes are defined as words, phrases, or sequences that read the same forwards as they do backwards. Common examples include the name Hannah or the word ma'am. 

There are of course other less orthodox examples like the phrase "May a moody baby doom a yam". This is a very peculiar example which raises questions like why or how can a yam be doomed or why is the baby able to doom anything; the point stands that if you place markers as such ... "May|a|mood|ybab|ydoom|a|yam" you could read the phrase backwards the same way you did forwards.

Dates can be palindromes as well.

12.1.21 for example, is a palindrome. As are the following;

12.2.21

12.3.21

12.4.21

12.5.21

12.6.21

12.7.21

12.8.21

12.9.21

12.11.21

12.22.21


Enlighten someone else with your updated knowledge and enjoy your palindrome days!!

Friday, November 26, 2021

Being Thankful

Hope everyone who celebrated had a wonderful Thanksgiving! 

That goes both for our American friends as well as our Australian friends who celebrated their own holiday last week and anyone else who has had a reason to celebrate lately.

Every day you are alive should be a reason for you to smile and be grateful for what you have and all you have become. We know that it can be very hard to remember that some days but there is so much in this world to live for and things can get worse but they can also always get better.

Be thankful for your life.

Be thankful for your friends or family.

Be thankful for the soldiers fighting for your rights.

Be thankful for the roof over your head.

Be thankful for the clean water you drink.

Be thankful for the clothes on your back.

Be thankful for the warmth of the sun and the cool of the breeze.

Be thankful for everything you have ever had the chance to do and every chance you will have coming your way.

Just be thankful. 

Remember that when you find somebody asking you for help or trying to one up you.

Monday, November 22, 2021

A Letter to a Friend

 Dear Friend,

    I am at a loss for words. My world has not been the same since we got involved in each other's lives, but it has been better than it once was. And now you aren't here for me to tell my every thought and problem to and my world is not going to be the same again. You don't seem to feel the same though. I have sat here so many nights wondering what I have done to upset you so much. I'm starting to doubt it is ever going to be something we can bounce back from, especially if nothing is going to change and you are still going to feel the same way when I do something in the future.

    I hope you know I hate this thing of us not talking and not being involved in each others lives. There have been so many times the past week where all I've wanted to do was reach out to and get help from you and make sure you're okay. I'm literally heartbroken over not having you in my life and I feel like my world is crumbling down all around me right now in every aspect and I cant hold onto anything anymore.

    This is not to say I have not made mistakes. But I am not alone. I don't know how you feel about yourself and your choices, but I feel like I have stayed rather true to my character while I have seen you change and grow, and grow out of me. You no longer seem to want to have anything to do with me, to put effort into our friendship, to want to go through with any of the plans we had joked about making. It also seems that while you are allowed to go through these changes and grow as a person and seek out better for yourself and expand your circle, I am not allowed to do that myself. I often feel like in order to keep you in my life, I have to stay static and I don't want to be that person. I don't want to have to give up the things that give me happiness to keep you, I also do not want to lose you.

    I am trying to make choices for myself and I have no backbone, I have no support, I am slipping away into the black. Something you and others, have told me they would never do to me. Something many have tried telling me the opposite of.

    I have been told that I am not extra baggage.

    I have been told that I am not secondary, that I play a bigger role in this story.

    I have been told that there is no way I could be forgotten about, that I could be abandoned, that I could be muted and forgotten about.

    But I very clearly am. I was just something extra to get dragged along and shown to people like a puppy on a leash. I played no bigger role in the plot than to act as an excuse and to be helpful when necessary. I have been left to cry myself to sleep. To quite literally watch 2 of the 4 people I have centered my life around lately, leave every group we have ever been involved in and seemingly not think twice about it.

    And here I am.

    Still left standing alone, wondering what I did wrong. Wondering how it could've been prevented. Wondering if any of it ever meant anything or if everything was always a lie. As if everything has been for show until something better could come along.

    I will never check off all of the boxes you need me to. And if I ever do, I am sure other boxes would get added to always give that excuse that I am expendable.

    I shouldn't have boxes to check off. I should just exist in your world as a friend and confidant.

    So I will leave, or I will try to. And I will slip off into my oblivion. 

    I still hope the best for you. I hope you can get out of the grasp of the hag. I hope you can make a name for yourself. I hope your daughters grow up knowing how much you love them and you all live a great life never growing apart. And I hope you don't slip yourself. I can see how close you are hanging to the edge. I can sense the end for you and I; I hope that isn't the end for each of us. I hope the toxicity doesn't turn you into something you once dreaded yourself because you have already gone so far down that incline.

    I love you.

    But I probably will not be here waiting for you when you need me because you most definitely closed the door when I needed you most.

    With all the best intentions, 


Wednesday, November 17, 2021

Losing Passions


Losing Passions

 Looking through your own eyes

like rain covered windows

as you stare out of them

wondering where your mind wandered.

The brush that lays stagnant

once filled with paint and inspiration

collects but does not create.

The room once filled with notes

a display of music

 as fingers danced across the strings and keys

now quiet.

When has my mind became the labyrinth 

once filled with passions

now consumed with empty responsibility? 

Monday, November 15, 2021

How do You See the World?

How do you see the stars when you look at the sky? Do your eyes draw lines to connect the dots? Mine do.

How does each person you pass come off to you? Do you see an ethereal glow around them of varying glow and intensity? Your mood can cause me to see you in colors sometimes.

Do you see the streaks of light as the cars race past you on the road? Maybe that's just my cones and rods messing up the signals.

Do you see the changing hues of the leaves as the seasons change? Not the very obvious green to red but the fading of the green as the chloroplast dies off inside and it no longer produces the green tones.


Existence and everything it includes is left up for so very many interpretations from so many hundreds of thousands of prying eyes.

The only reason we have come to interpret things in specific manners is because somewhere down the line before we came into existence somebody said that is how it is.

When you first open your eyes, before you have allowed anyone to take hold of your mind and persuade you to react in a particular way, how do you see the world? How do you feel it should be?


Sometimes it's like we live in a world parallel to 'The Giver'. Where there are higher powers that decide what we should and should not get to know or see. We should try to break free of that, don't you think?

Thursday, November 11, 2021

Veterans' Day in America

War.

It's inevitable.

Even beyond the human species. We just tend to be the most devastating producers of it. Especially as our technology has advanced.

Many soldiers have lost their lives before their prime fighting for what they felt was a just cause. Some of those causes we may have come to realize at this point down the line weren't completely what we once thought, but in the moment, we generally stick with what our heart tells us.

Today, in America, it is a time for us to remember those who have fought valiantly for the people they hold dear as well as those they never had the chance to meet. We thank those men and women who have had the strength and courage to fight those battles. We acknowledge that some of those battles are not over for everyone who has given a piece of themselves to the cause. We pray for those that continue to fight for the greater good. We hope for a time when we will no longer have to say goodbye to our loved ones who go to end a dispute with people just looking to have the same opportunities in life as us. 

Thank you to all our armed forces and especially our veterans <3



Sunday, November 7, 2021

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm not enough for you.

I'm sorry I'm too much for you.

I'm sorry that I don't do as you think I should.

I'm sorry that I do more than you think I should.

I'm sorry that who I am is not who you think I should be.

I'm sorry that I have a single track mind.

I'm sorry that I find it hard to stay focused on a single task.

I'm sorry that I don't love how you need me to.

I'm sorry that I cannot accept how you choose to love me.

I am ever so deeply sorry.


But sometimes I really cannot help it.

Sometimes it is hard for me to exist in this world both as who I am and who I try to be for you.

For all of you.

Saturday, November 6, 2021

Animal Crossing New Horizons - NEW UPDATE

 Animal Crossing is and has always been a growing craze among multiple generations. 

We as a gaming society have grown through the many games including the OG Animal Crossing from 2000, Wild World, City Folk, New Leaf, Pocket Camp, and now New Horizons. 


Many feel as though New Horizons came at just the right time, the start of a pandemic when everyone needed an outlet and a way to spend all their new found free time. So many people spent endless hours working towards 5-star rating islands and collecting everything possible. Thousands upon thousands of people have worked diligently to collect all of the fossils for Blathers, send off dozens of insect specimen for Flick to make models of, caught dozens of fish to satisfy C.J.'s streaming needs, talked to the Able Sisters about all their fashion needs, attended every K.K. Slider concert, and so many other things that we could list.

The latest update that launched on the 5th has brought so many more faces to light in the game and has made some of the faces that rarely popped up, more frequent. They have also included a DLC which we all know they could've just made into a separate game if they really wanted too, and most of us probably would've hopped on the bandwagon without question.

Some of the things included in the update are the ability to visit more islands by sailing away with Kappa, customizing the color of your fences for your island, increased house storage as well as accessing your storage from OUTSIDE of your house, and having brunch with friends in Rooster's cafe just to name a few things! Those are definitely some of our favorites. But you might find more enjoyment in the new characters you an get to live on your island, or the ability to add ordinances and have your people be more active at certain times, or maybe you like being able to see faces like Cyrus on the daily when you visit Harv's island. Those are all good updates too!

Let's not even start on the DLC! You have a job now. What are the odds of you WANTING to go to work? Probably very rare. But what about if you get to design homes for people and get new furniture out of it? What if you could start changing the homes of people living on your island?? What if you could make rooms bigger and add in walls to make them more like studios?!? Yeah, I think it is pretty worth it too!

So many new people will definitely be trying out the game now but also, all those folks who got bored with it because they achieved everything early on will likely be making a come-back to zip through all this new stuff like they did at the initial launch.


Wednesday, November 3, 2021

Protagonist, Antagonist, or Sidekick?

Everyone has a story.

What role they play in their story is not going to be the same role they play in the story of others they come in contact with.


A protagonist is defined as a main character who usually advocates for a specific cause or idea and is generally good in nature.

An antagonist is defined as someone who opposes or stands against the protagonist of a story.

A sidekick is defined as a close companion or associate of another who has more authority than them.


When you are a protagonist in your own story; you probably do things such as help the less fortunate, take on leadership roles, or stand up against injustices to those you love.

When you're the antagonist in your own story; you probably do things such as self-sabotage your plans, put the minimal effort into tasks, spend your free time doing things that neither benefit others nor yourself.

When you feel like you are the side kick of your own story, you probably feel like the story isn't even your own. Which is how I often feel.


I often feel as though my efforts in life, are without prosper or as though they are only ever really for others rather than myself. The things I try to achieve for myself, they aren't fully of my own ambitions. I strive for things, that have been the normal throughout my upbringing because it is what is familiar and it is what I known. But is it what I actually desire? I feel guilty spending on myself, be it cash or time; but I will give my literal all into someone who has shown the most minimal of effort toward my existence. Even just a regular, reoccurring greeting that shows you have noticed I exist.

I do not feel as though I exist for my own being, for my own pleasure, for my own desire, for my own biding. I exist to get things done for others, as a secondary thought, as a helpful hand, as someone to blame.

I am part of the scene but as a background character, an individual in the ensemble.

I'm a sidekick at best.

Sunday, October 31, 2021

Halloween

Crisp leaves.

Rustling trees.

A chilly breeze.


Looming fog veil.

Children's wails.

Clattering pails.


Costumes matching trends.

Spooky ghost friends.

Candy that never ends.


These are the things that make Halloween.

Thursday, October 28, 2021

Overstaying Your Welcome

Day in, day out. 
Same story, different day.
It becomes mundane.
Wake up, get dressed, go to work, come home, make food, take a shower, go to bed.
Repeat.

You may have a different variance to this, I do.
But doesn't it all just start to seem pointless?
Doing the same tasks, seeing the same people, putting on the same grey face with a fake plastered on smile.

Routine can be good.
Routine can be just as bad.

We don't always have a choice in how things turn out.
We do have a choice in if we choose to sit idly instead of trying to make a change.

So why, 
when life has become over repetitive, 
when we grow weary of the same tasks and the same day repeating over and over, 
when we have had enough with the bullsh*ttery, 
when we know what we would rather be doing and could try and get out of this slump; 
why do we continue to put up with it?

When I know full well that I am outgrowing my room,
when I know full well I have outstayed my welcome,
when I know full well I cause more issues for them and they cause more issues for me than either of us creates positive outcomes for the other;
why do I not take that step and move on?
Why can't I seem to progress forward?
What is holding me back?

Fear.
Self-hatred.
Self-judgement.
Regrets.
Hope.

Fear, of what could happen or what could have happened if I decide to take that first step or had just stayed put a little longer.

Self-hatred, of the choices, the mistakes, I have already managed to accomplish thus far.

Self-judgement, of those choices and the choices I will continue to make, how they make me a coward or a follower or any other negative mindset of an entity.

Regrets, of the things I should have done or could have done.

Hope, that things could still be turned around from where I am right now.

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

The Trouble with the Word Love

The trouble with the word love, is that I don't understand the meaning of it. The love I have been shown, has been full of lies and deceit. The love I have been shown has been manipulative. 

I'm sure there have been a number of times people have said it and meant it in regards to myself and the moment. But the times when it was not sincere or meaningful vastly outweigh the times when those people in my life just want to help me.

I think I love. I think I understand what I'm saying or doing. But I throw that word out there so often, it does not have a backing.

I love my family. 
I love my friends. 
I love science. 
I love books. 
I love music. 
I love my followers and supporters.

These statements all have different backing to them.


The problem with love, is that it's hard to understand. Its difficult to interpret. It's impossible to hold on to.

And so that "love" that you're trying to show me? 
It makes me feel empty. 
It makes me feel lonely. 
It makes me feel starved. 
It makes me feel isolated. 
It makes me feel malnourished.

Sunday, October 24, 2021

Longing the Wind

 


Longing the Wind

✧・゚: *✧・゚:*✧・゚: *✧・゚:*

The sinking feeling

of the weight of a thousand worries.

The sharp breaths of lungs,

as the sound carries

in the back of my mind.

Thinking will I ever catch up,

as I try to grasp the wind beside me

since it is so free, so effortless

but it slips through my fingers.

As does most things

with the weight of a thousand worries.


✧・゚: *✧・゚:*✧・゚: *✧・゚:*

thank you for reading

Sock

Thursday, October 21, 2021

Stress Management and Making Time for Yourself

 Stress management is always a very important topic. It isn't necessarily one many folks like to talk about openly though. It tends to fall into a similar category to being diagnosed with things. But it shouldn't.

We as a society should embrace that sometimes the world can become overbearing on someone's shoulders. And not everyone's shoulders can bear the same weight. What one person may be able to push through, may stop someone else in their tracks. What someone may have been able to deal with previously, may have worn them out over time and can cause them to break now.

Things change.

We need to adjust.

The human population has seen many generations pass through. With each one there are new stressors. Populations use to worry about basic necessities such as food and shelter. While those are still issues for a number of people, there are other stressors like social image, financial status, a global panini. It can all be a lot. For anyone and everyone all at the same time. But each individual is going to take on all that stress and responsibility in a different capacity and they are going to react differently to it around various other individuals.

Something we can try to do to help alleviate the burden, is ask for help. I acknowledge that not everyone is comfortable asking for help though. I know I'm not. It can make you feel weak or it can make you discouraged because you couldn't do something on your own that you saw someone accomplish ages before you even thought to start it.

That is okay.

When you can't ask for help, you should still be doing something.

Reach out in a different way. Take the time to just say hi to people and discuss new books or movies. Go out and enjoy nature. Learn to cook that favorite dish of yours from the restaurant around the corner, or order it for take out because cooking just isn't your thing and you want to truly relax. That's fine.

As long as you are taking the time to acknowledge you are more than a machine. You are not like everyone else. You are you and there is nobody else you should ever try to be despite what anyone else tells you. 


Feel free to check out the embedded links for tips on how to better work on your stress levels. Some things we find helpful ourselves is learning to distance when you need to and making sure you find somebody to talk with when you don't want to be alone. On top of the normal things like keeping a schedule or routine, trying to find down time, etc.

Stress Management Help Guide

10 Tricks to Relieve Stress

Tuesday, October 19, 2021

An Empty Vessel

 When you are conceived, you are a blank slate. 

Sure, you have had genetic influence from your parents and that is going to physically shape you but there are so many other things which shape you into the person you become over time.

Most days, I feel like, even though I have had so many things help to shape me, I continue to rely on others to move forward and do things with my life. 

My previous experiences in life have led me to live to serve. I do not generally make decisions for myself and I fear that it is going to grow into more of a problem as time progresses. It definitely possesses a problem when I require input from those around me in order to go about my day.

This does not mean I am not still a strong minded and independent individual. I will very much take whatever task you place in front of me and go running with it in any direction to see it done. I will strive to do better for others and to achieve all I can. I lead my team with pride and when someone else starts to slip I will pick up the slack no matter the harm to myself.

However

It also means that I am very indecisive. It means that when I am unsure of what to do because I have completed something else, I sit there in the dark waiting for something to call me back into action.

Almost like a robot.

I live to serve.

That is why I like to try and keep myself busy with anything and everything. If you make one little comment about something needing to be done, whether you say it jokingly or not, it will be done.

Oh, you want some cool paintings for the baby's room?

I got you!

You want some new holiday decor on a budget?

No problemo.

You need to sort through boxes of paperwork and put everything in chronological order?

Say no more.

We need to get 150 cars parked into a field and everyone lined up off to the side.

Don't sweat it, just cover your ears and turn a blind eye.

Ask me for movie suggestions?

I'm gonna be too scared you will judge or won't like the recommendations to say anything.

Tell me that I should go off and do something I like?

I don't know what I like, I like doing what you tell me to do.


Getting told to just pick something for myself is not easy. I shut down in response because if I am not living for you then what am I even living for?


I am an empty vessel. I have no personal purpose. I do everything for or because of others. I need help deciding what I put my efforts into and without a guide or a push or a pull or whatever, I just sit here in the darkness waiting for another bell singing for my help.



Sunday, October 17, 2021

Childhood Friends

 


Childhood Friends



The love and the loss of those who you held dear


˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥Growing closer
    We were only children when we met, and the adventures started the first day. We shared laughs, smiles and deep, personal experiences that only we knew. We were there for each other all throughout elementary and middle school, our developing years spent beside each other, inseparable. A friend we shared mutually tried to break our bond, but it only brought us closer together. The inside jokes were piling up in the tethered notebook we kept at all times, as we took turns doodling and writing between the lines in an attempt to make each other laugh. The beginning and ending of summer was our absolute favorite, as we would celebrate by creating a whole day of activities; water balloons, chalk, swimming, and laying in the lush green grass that stretched over our yards. Every year, it was always the day right before school, so sitting on the curb that's outside while we draw with our chalk was surreal, because that was the last moments before high school; where everything started to fall apart. 

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥Growing apart
    High school started off like it was a world I've never seen before, and unfortunately I had to treck the adventure alone since we went to different schools. We met a different crowd of people, gained different hobbies, learned other ways to bond and become closer to others. Nothing changed between us in the beginning, since we were more than capable of texting, calling, and seeing each other before and after school. Then I fell in love with a boy who made me feel special, a boy who I would want to spend the rest of my life with... but with doing so, I caused a gap between our friendship. Admittedly, I started to spend time with my significant other rather than be with her, which was a change from what we were both used to. With the extra time we would have spent together, you spent with others, which is nobody's fault but my own. Texting began to dwindle, and seeing her face became less and less as our high school career moved forward. I became closer friends with those I went to school with, and so did she. 

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥Growing without

    End of High School was the last remaining moments I called her my closest friend. She simply did not want to be associated with me anymore, as she took the other friends I held dear with her. Ever since, I've been craving the feeling of somebody who I can talk to, someone who has laughed at the same jokes as me. I sit and I reminisce about the times we shared sitting on her couch, playing our Nintendo consoles, or the times we would camp in a tent in the backyard just for the hell of it. I come across videos even to this day that remind me of her, and it takes every fiber of my being to not send them to her. For the life of me, it seems I could never hold a friend close for too long, and she was the one I thought would never leave my side. All of the fond memories seem so hard to look back on, but seeing her happy and making new friends has almost been refreshing. But I cannot deny that I long to be there, sharing those happy memories with the people I used to call my friends. 


Thank you for reading
Sock 🧦

discord: Sock#6259










Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Living a Double Life

 Honestly, it's more like a triple or quadruple life. 

There are so many various personas that engulf me depending on the situation and the people I am around.

Some may compare this to being an empath but that is nowhere near what I am doing.

I'm just trying to adapt to my surroundings in hopes of surviving.

For one group of people, I am very much that stand-off, don't mess with me person that will chew you out for saying something stupid. For a different group, I am that soft-spoken individual who goes with the flow and works only to please. For a third group, I'm the person who chugs along and helps pull everyone with me to get where we need to be. For another, I am that warrior that they look up to and would do anything to help because I squish the bugs for them.

When I am at home, living with my parents and siblings yet, I am just an empty vessel that exists only to fill a void and provide aid. Provide financial support. Provide extra hands. Provide nourishment. Provide an outlet. Provide an excuse. I very much aim to please when I am home. I work to provide them with everything they need.

I would like to think that I provide some of those things to my friends as well but when I am online with my friends, I am somebody else. I am someone who is vulnerable. I am someone seeking love and attention. I am someone trying to make a place for myself in the world.

When I am at work, I'm that scary boss lady that nobody wants to mess with because if you cross me, I will take action. I fight for what I feel is right. I work to better the company by any means. I am secure in my standings. I take my orders but I also dish them out with just as much conviction and follow through.


Are any of these really me though? Who will I reveal myself to be when I finally have a chance to breathe and just do what my heart says when my heart says to do it rather than what my brain says to do when time allows.


Who are you in your various phases of life?

Saturday, October 9, 2021

Movie Review: Little Evil (2017)

 


Netflix presents little evil (2017)

Original Release Synopsis: 

"A newly married man starts to believe that his 5-year-old stepson is the spawn of Satan."

Opening Weekend Sales: N/A

Box Office Sales: N/A

Personal Review: 

This movie, is weird, to say the least. It honestly starts out extremely hard to follow and it jumps rather frequently through a lot of topics that mostly apply to the rest of the film. I definitely was hoping for more gore and a bit more attention to details such as how the individuals actually die, but the film definitely provided entertainment in that you were laughing at how stupid it was. The unexpected twist of love winning out over the demon spawn was definitely just that, unexpected. I was kind of hoping the world was actually going to end. But I guess that is why it was marked as a comedy before it was considered a horror film. Even though the stepfather did get buried alive within the first five minutes.








Friday, October 8, 2021

October Scary Stories - Week 1

The wind whistled, the trees lurched, the hoots of owls and the howls of the wolves weren't all else you could here as the forest lay in unrest. 

The eaves of the old Bernard house rattled as the moon hid behind another slew of clouds. Floor boards began to creak as someone dared to step foot on unholy ground.

Not a soul would dare lay their head to rest here. So much anguish has befallen this place. The most recent being just a year prior.


October 2019


Hallows eve, once a time believed for souls to cross from one realm to another, has come to be bit of an amusement in the States. Youngins dress in garments presenting the most iconic of roles in their lives. Towns filled with streets, lined with homes, teeming with anticipation and excitement for free candy as little ones dress up as Superman and Batman. Sidewalks explode with people as Elsa and Anna skip down the way holding their neon pink pumpkin pails. All throughout town the buildings are coated in fake webs and eerie lights. Vampires and zombies stand in corners waiting for unsuspecting passers. The smell of bonfire and s'mores flitting through the air. The laughter and squeals bounce off the walls of the houses. Down the cluttered roads to ones less known. Through the trees already bare for the season, if they had even bothered to re-grow them from seasons past. 

Further than even the farthest dead end street, lay a drive that was once lined with luscious growth. The Bernard place had been the spectacle of the town at one point in time. A marvelous mansion that hosted the most superlative of parties. Grounds that spread for acres, mostly woods mind you but with glorious, well kept trails that you could walk and unwind. Now the grounds lay in dismay. All the greenery was unruly and unkempt. Shrubbery and flowers all across the property had taken over the masonry lining previously laid paths. The hedges of the maze loomed over the fawn that dared to venture in for food. Vines had grown up straggly and voluptuous trees alike, even stretching across the ground to the lattice of the porch, up the columns and coating the walls in thick ivy. The interior was just as disheveled. A fire had consumed the home in the late 1900s, taking the lives of the last known generation of Bernard's with it. The fire was suspected to be arson however the investigation was inconclusive, a tale for another time. 

Ash and soot coated all surfaces inside. Remnant cinder scattered across the once magnificent hardwood and tile floors. Graffiti now layered on top of the singed wallpaper. The banister to a magnificent winder staircase splintered and beaten. Drapes to 10 foot windows torn to shred and half consumed by the flames all throughout the shell of a building. Some signs of life were still dispersed throughout the rooms. Things like shattered china, tarnished silverware, busted chairs and stretched springs, crispy books and flattened pillows. It'd make for a great haunted house attraction wouldn't it?

That's what Mr. Stevie Jones had thought anyway. The property had been left in shambles and claimed by the state some time prior because no realtor could convince anyone to buy the estate. Countless folks had tried their best but even the homeless and squatters couldn't stand to stay for too long before they moved on to the next lot. Getting permission to use the lot for his Halloween Attraction had been far easier than Stevie had thought it would be and he knew he could make big bucks with very minimal effort if he planned this just right. He found a cheap cast of school kids looking to make a few bucks and some disbanded circus folks who were rather ambiguous about their work history. Brought in some inexpensive props from his theater troupe days to set up around the rooms. Rented out a generator for the evening for minimal lighting and effects. This would be a breeze! Or so he continued to tell himself.

Crowds did wander down to the lot as the night progressed. Long time residents curious to see what fool took on the challenge. Visitors from neighboring areas wanting to experience something new and unknown. A few of the entrants left uneasy from the atmosphere. Some left disheartened from the state of the once magnificent building. Most of the teens just used the various empty rooms as a place to go and make out or smoke. A number of the patrons just left blase and un-amused from the poor execution.

As the waning moon reached it's crest, a dense fog trickled in, weaving in and out of the trees surrounding the estate. The crowds had all but ceased to meander down the path. All but one lone figure. Standing at roughly 5'11", shrouded in a long, worn leather cloak; the figure inched his way closer dragging a duffel bag behind him with his right hand. As the figure approached the old and rickety building, he climbed up the steps dragging the duffel bag. It thumped against the edge of the boards and clanged as the metal inside scraped amongst itself. He wordlessly walked passed the ticket holder who was dozing in a brittle chair ready to snap as it leaned back into a corner, feet propped onto a sticky pop-up table. He seemed to glide through the corridor, clearing the dust and debris with his bag as he went. There was no hesitation in his movements. He made his way through to the back, where the servants quarters would have been originally. He single handedly swung the duffel bag up onto a counter with a clammer. He unzipped the bag and began to pull out the tools inside. Laid out on every surface were objects, it was like he had a Mary Poppins bag of metal instruments. Pry bars. Chain. Bent, rusty pipes. Large ladles from a soup kitchen. Knives galore. Hand full upon handful of nails and safety pins. Jagged keys, some that had been worn down sharpened into a point. Gears and saw blades crudely attached to hand cranked egg beaters. 

After he had finished emptying the bag of the smaller remnants, the man pulled out one final tool. A chainsaw with the chain blade hanging loosely around the guide bar. Twigs and leaves were wedged into the bumper spikes and chain brake. There as something else glistening off the handle and plastic cover, could it be remnants of little berries from a bush he had trimmed earlier in the day? Trees would have a sticky substance when freshly cut but they wouldn't leave something of that color and consistency, would they?

He held the chainsaw firmly in one hand as he grabbed the end of 2 inch thick chain and harshly whipped it around his own arm. With a sense of gusto, the man climbed up the narrow steps from the kitchen to a tiny bedroom above, two steps at a time. Fecal matter, both animal and human, filled the room with a very repugnant odor. It didn't phase him. Not a falter could be seen in his stature. 

Making his way through the second floor, he passed room upon room without a glance. Rambunctious teens had at each other in filth covered rooms, on dingy and trashed cushions. He passes more rooms. Inattentive stoners vibed as they swung their feet from the balcony over the large living room. He continues down the hall. Then he stops. Chain ringing as it sways back and forth from the momentum. The saw hanging at his side. The door in front of him, barely open, hangs crookedly from a single hinge. Another figure can be seen through the crack enjoying a cigar as they stare out a giant shattered window.

Our visitor kicks the door with enough force to break off the last hinge and it thuds on the floor as one edge hits and then again as the other lays the door flat. The man at the window is startled and nearly drops his cigar as he turns to meet eyes with his brother Andrew. 


End


*the final death scene has been omitted as to ensure there are not any parties which would be upset from the graphic description as well as to leave the mystery up to the reader*

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

World Mental Health Day - Rambo

October is a month for many things, including Breast Cancer Awareness, Columbus Day/Indigenous People Day, Halloween, and many others. But something that is going to always be prominent is mental health and establishing open communication with those people in your life when you are struggling. 

Since 1992 when the day was first established by the World Federation for Mental Health and the first celebration by Deputy Secretary-General Richard Hunter; the world has worked to establish a general education/understanding of what it means to take care of your mental health. Some topics over the years have included mental health among women and children, human rights, aging, work, trauma, and so many others. 

Sometimes we forget just all that is wrapped up in mental health and how much it can impact our lives. Mental health for one person is never going to be the same for someone else. We use terminology to try and be able to define these things; words like trauma, anxiety, depression, hysteria, autism, abuse, compulsory. But words and definitions in themselves can cause problems and categorizations that are inaccurate. It allows us to self-diagnose. It allows us to stereotype. I know I have.

I sit here and I evaluate myself, I compare myself to those around me. And I become overwhelmed at just how troublesome I think I am. I have become overly familiar with the nuances in my life over the past few years. I have come to realize that a lot of what I perceived as normal, are actually signs of neglect and abuse. I have come to determine through my own ideas and the ideas of others that I have anxiety, I have some compulsory issues, I have some sensory stimulation responses, I have depression. None of these are officially diagnosed mind you, and maybe I have worsened them (especially recently) by trying to build and act on them but that doesn't make them any less real or pertinent in my life.

No matter what you are going through in life, there are always going to be things that cause you to seek an outlet, there are going to be people that disrupt your routine, there are going to be things that hold you back, there are going to be situations that cause you to be uncomfortable and have fear. We just need to continue to recognize these things and rather than only place ourselves into a box of isolation that can cause things to get worse.

Reach out.

Seek help.

Speak up.

I may not but we all should.

Y'know. Sometimes, if I sit here in the dark and I focus only on what I am physically doing. My literal actions. Sitting here typing away on a soft bed, wrapped in a warm blanket, and listening to some amazing soul-touching music; I can close my eyes for a second or two and be transported away to a time and space where I do not feel so uneasy in my life. A different timeline where I have come to a place where I am content with my life choices and am at ease with all future actions. A place where I can achieve a number of aspirations without hesitation or fear. 

Wouldn't it be grand if we could just all be in that happy place we envision for ourselves rather than have to transport ourselves there for a small duration?

Take the time to reach out to your loved ones always but especially on this October 10th for World Mental Health Day <3

Saturday, October 2, 2021

Movie Review: Haunted Mansion (2003)

 


Disney presents the Haunted Mansion (2003)

Original Release Synopsis

"Workaholic real estate agent Jim Evers (Eddie Murphy) is accused by his wife, Sara (Marsha Thomason), of neglecting his son (Marc John Jefferies) and daughter (Aree Davis), so he takes the family on a vacation. Along the way, the family stops off at a sinister mansion that Jim has been asked to sell, only to discover it's haunted by Master Gracey (Nathaniel Parker) ; his stern butler, Ramsley (Terence Stamp) ; and two other servants who need some help breaking a curse."

Opening Weekend Sales$24,278,410

Box Office Sales: $182.3 billion

Personal Review: 

'The Haunted Mansion' film is something I can recall watching on Disney Channel every October growing up. I can not recall much of how I felt viewing it at such a young age but I can only imagine relating to the child actors a lot when it came to the curiosity of being in a strange place as well as the fear and disgust of facing things like a spider coated door. As an adult, I definitely picked up more on the designs of the costumes, the architectural significance and probability of the actual mansion, and of course the singing. C'mon now, who doesn't love that musical quartet of singing busts?!? Overall, the movie still holds audiences captive and provides a mythical escape from the real world. Something I never really noted before as a youngster though? The french influence on the film as well as the corresponding rides at various Disney parks, reminds me ever so vaguely of the french significance of another Disney film, 'Beauty and the Beast'. This became extremely apparent to me when I viewed the end scene of Master Gracey being reunited with his Elizabeth. She appeared in a bunched up yellow dress similar to that of Belle's as they floated up in golden shimmers to the beyond. Just another fun way re-watching movies can keep you entertained I guess.


Friday, October 1, 2021

The First Weekend of October

 October. 

A month that gets overlooked by some but is the superior, spoopiest month for others.

For myself, October is not only the start of cooler weather and feeling at home in my own skin, taking in the smells of bonfires, the crunch of the crisp leaves under your feet, and all that other marvelous bug free living. October is also when I get to do the most outside, especially when it comes to decorating the home.

The summer months are too hot and bright for me to be comfortable doing much and while I enjoy the rainy season of the spring, the bright colors and growth; its also a time for a lot of other people to be popping out of the woodwork. And I am by no means a people person, even if my customer service persona tries to tell you otherwise. 

So fall is my domain.

Death and decay are the joy of my life most days and if I could bottle it up to remember for all eternity, I would gladly do so.

This weekend, we start to prepare for the Wicca hour. Pulling out all our various decor and planning our theme for this years yard display.

Who knows, maybe we will manage to get a Haunted House going for the first time!

What are some of your favorite seasonal attributes?

What do you plan on doing for Halloween this year? Is Covid going to hold everyone back for yet another round of tricks and treats or will everyone come to life with more gusto than before?

Sunday, September 26, 2021

Becoming a Streamer

 Creative outlets are numerous in our world.

It can be a struggle sometimes but if anyone were to try hard enough, they could pursue their passions and do things such as create music, create abstract art mosaics, review books and run a blog, be a social media influencer, design games, play games, et cetera et cetera. 

We very obviously have that blog thing under control, check.

We also dabble very lightly in social media and creating TikTok videos, double check.

We should definitely work on pursuing another creative outlet of ours, gaming, and make that powerful triad a thing. Right? Maybe?

In all serious though, trying to make an impact on the world can be very difficult and stressful. That's why rather than focusing on trying to turn ourselves into something big and productive like Charli D'amelio or Justin Beiber or Jeyden Wale, we find more contentment in just creating for our own amusement. 

And in the words of somebody brave, 'If I happen to make a few lonely hearts smile along the way, then all the better.'


Having an online community and friends to talk with and connect with is definitely not something odd in this day and age. I can remember the flipnote Hatena on the DSi and staying up all night chatting with friends across the country. I can remember the early days of running this blog with people across the globe and thinking we were the ish. I can only imagine what it is going to be like continuing to connect with people across the waves and pursuing interests such as gaming or singing or painting. We will continue to grow as a community and as individuals as we learn more about ourselves. 

In terms of Twitch and streaming, it is still very much something new to us. Trying to be something you don't personally feel like you are can be hard though, and all the love and support is very much needed as people try to grow and stretch out of the comfort zone.

Learning new software such as the layouts of the stream.

Learning new games and play-through methods.

Learning how to be more social and outspoken.

Those are all things we are going to need to work on if we want to get the most out of what we do.

We can only go as far as we desire and that desire is fueled by our happiness.  


Thanks for taking the time to read this pointless ramble from Rambo!

Feel free to start a conversation below! We would be enthralled to discuss our gaming interests or any strategies on going forward with our passions of blogging and streaming :) 

Wednesday, September 22, 2021

Changing Tides: Adjusting Your Relationships

Making connections with people is difficult at times.

Growing apart after those connections are made can be hard.

Growing fond of someone who doesn't share the same sentiments can be harder.

But what hurts the most, is knowing you made someone (or a group of someones) your everything for a period of time in your life and then finding out that you are nothing more than a background character in their story.

Are you even the main character in your own story?

So much of my life, I have dedicated to helping better others, helping others stay afloat. It didn't usually matter the cost/toll of my own expense.

I can name all of the peers whom I have considered friends throughout my life and I can't tell you how many of them do not bother to reach out to me. They don't bother to entertain any of my whims by doing something as simple as liking a status, sharing a photo, responding to a direct message.

But of late, my group has dropped off. They have moved on. Decided this wasn't what was best for them.

And it hurts.

It hurts knowing that I am not enough.

It hurts knowing that I have spent all of my time, my resources, my efforts, trying to help these people through their rocky terrain. Knowing that I have confided in them things that I don't even feel comfortable telling a therapist or family, and it has all gone in one ear and out the other.

I feel unheard. I feel abandoned. I feel unwanted. Undesired. Unnecessary. Inconvenient. Problematic. Secondary to all else.

Everyone has different priorities, different directives. But why can't we work toward our own stars together. Why can't everyone play more than one role and be a main character in their own story but also a support role in someone else's campaign?

I can not stress enough how much I still continue to care for these people in my life. How proud I am to be able to say I knew them when and have seen them grow into something they have fought countless draining hours for. 

But sometimes, I wish things didn't have to change. I wish we could all always want to continue with each other. To always spend those witching hours on calls with one another. To always fall asleep knowing they are watching because that's when we are safest. To know that all we have to do is send a quick message or have an unusual tune to have them come running to embrace us.

I will always have those memories and sometimes it hurts knowing what I have lost.

I've lost the shared pain. I've lost the shared crazies. I've lost the shared loneliness. 

And now I am left here in the dark by myself while you isolate yourself somewhere else and our shining light goes off into her new light.

Monday, September 20, 2021

Getting Back Into It

 Hello All. And welcome to the re-vamping of the Nightdweller Community. 

As I'm sure everyone has probably noticed, it has been some time since we last made any appearances. It has also been quite some time since the world has seen a 'normal' day.

Although in modern times, what is normal anymore?

As we begin to welcome more changes into our lives, we continue on, but we also face many difficulties which can cause us to falter in our choices.

Our paths have crossed many bridges and will track through mountains as we trudge through life every passing day. Look out for posts from new bloggers and new experiences from us all.


Things to look out for in the upcoming days and weeks; a new section of posts labeled 'streaming', new life stories being shared, new adventures being depicted, and so much more.


Thank you for always staying true to your desires and inspiring others through your actions.

See you soon Nightlings!