An Empty Vessel

 When you are conceived, you are a blank slate. 

Sure, you have had genetic influence from your parents and that is going to physically shape you but there are so many other things which shape you into the person you become over time.

Most days, I feel like, even though I have had so many things help to shape me, I continue to rely on others to move forward and do things with my life. 

My previous experiences in life have led me to live to serve. I do not generally make decisions for myself and I fear that it is going to grow into more of a problem as time progresses. It definitely possesses a problem when I require input from those around me in order to go about my day.

This does not mean I am not still a strong minded and independent individual. I will very much take whatever task you place in front of me and go running with it in any direction to see it done. I will strive to do better for others and to achieve all I can. I lead my team with pride and when someone else starts to slip I will pick up the slack no matter the harm to myself.

However

It also means that I am very indecisive. It means that when I am unsure of what to do because I have completed something else, I sit there in the dark waiting for something to call me back into action.

Almost like a robot.

I live to serve.

That is why I like to try and keep myself busy with anything and everything. If you make one little comment about something needing to be done, whether you say it jokingly or not, it will be done.

Oh, you want some cool paintings for the baby's room?

I got you!

You want some new holiday decor on a budget?

No problemo.

You need to sort through boxes of paperwork and put everything in chronological order?

Say no more.

We need to get 150 cars parked into a field and everyone lined up off to the side.

Don't sweat it, just cover your ears and turn a blind eye.

Ask me for movie suggestions?

I'm gonna be too scared you will judge or won't like the recommendations to say anything.

Tell me that I should go off and do something I like?

I don't know what I like, I like doing what you tell me to do.

Getting told to just pick something for myself is not easy. I shut down in response because if I am not living for you then what am I even living for?

I am an empty vessel. I have no personal purpose. I do everything for or because of others. I need help deciding what I put my efforts into and without a guide or a push or a pull or whatever, I just sit here in the darkness waiting for another bell singing for my help.