Dear Friend,
I am at a loss for words. My world has not been the same since we got involved in each other's lives, but it has been better than it once was. And now you aren't here for me to tell my every thought and problem to and my world is not going to be the same again. You don't seem to feel the same though. I have sat here so many nights wondering what I have done to upset you so much. I'm starting to doubt it is ever going to be something we can bounce back from, especially if nothing is going to change and you are still going to feel the same way when I do something in the future.
I hope you know I hate this thing of us not talking and not being involved in each others lives. There have been so many times the past week where all I've wanted to do was reach out to and get help from you and make sure you're okay. I'm literally heartbroken over not having you in my life and I feel like my world is crumbling down all around me right now in every aspect and I cant hold onto anything anymore.
This is not to say I have not made mistakes. But I am not alone. I don't know how you feel about yourself and your choices, but I feel like I have stayed rather true to my character while I have seen you change and grow, and grow out of me. You no longer seem to want to have anything to do with me, to put effort into our friendship, to want to go through with any of the plans we had joked about making. It also seems that while you are allowed to go through these changes and grow as a person and seek out better for yourself and expand your circle, I am not allowed to do that myself. I often feel like in order to keep you in my life, I have to stay static and I don't want to be that person. I don't want to have to give up the things that give me happiness to keep you, I also do not want to lose you.
I am trying to make choices for myself and I have no backbone, I have no support, I am slipping away into the black. Something you and others, have told me they would never do to me. Something many have tried telling me the opposite of.
I have been told that I am not extra baggage.
I have been told that I am not secondary, that I play a bigger role in this story.
I have been told that there is no way I could be forgotten about, that I could be abandoned, that I could be muted and forgotten about.
But I very clearly am. I was just something extra to get dragged along and shown to people like a puppy on a leash. I played no bigger role in the plot than to act as an excuse and to be helpful when necessary. I have been left to cry myself to sleep. To quite literally watch 2 of the 4 people I have centered my life around lately, leave every group we have ever been involved in and seemingly not think twice about it.
And here I am.
Still left standing alone, wondering what I did wrong. Wondering how it could've been prevented. Wondering if any of it ever meant anything or if everything was always a lie. As if everything has been for show until something better could come along.
I will never check off all of the boxes you need me to. And if I ever do, I am sure other boxes would get added to always give that excuse that I am expendable.
I shouldn't have boxes to check off. I should just exist in your world as a friend and confidant.
So I will leave, or I will try to. And I will slip off into my oblivion.
I still hope the best for you. I hope you can get out of the grasp of the hag. I hope you can make a name for yourself. I hope your daughters grow up knowing how much you love them and you all live a great life never growing apart. And I hope you don't slip yourself. I can see how close you are hanging to the edge. I can sense the end for you and I; I hope that isn't the end for each of us. I hope the toxicity doesn't turn you into something you once dreaded yourself because you have already gone so far down that incline.
I love you.
But I probably will not be here waiting for you when you need me because you most definitely closed the door when I needed you most.
With all the best intentions,
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