Loss and Greif

 So far this year I have lost two family members one wasn't so sudden but the most recent was. The first was my nan that I moved into my dads house to help take care of her and keep an eye on her so he could get a little slice of his life back and in a way he did. We knew she didn't have much time left with us when she was refusing to eat and drink, so in a way we were a little more prepared. 

This death was so sudden, shock hit everyone like ice daggers to the heart. You can never really prepare yourself for the loss of a loved one however when you know its coming there is always that little part of you that knows time is short. When it is someone that hadn't been struggling with their health it can be really hard to digest that they are actually gone. 

You will never hear them say anything they used to again, eventually all you have is the memories. They used to say to me is the pope roman catholic when I asked if they wanted a cup of coffee, there was another but its not so pg so that one will stay in my memory. 

Once someone is gone you think of all the little things they would do, they would put my diamond art paintings on some wood so it wouldn't bend and it would keep the gems on. They took me to vet and doctor appointments. They did my shopping because it was easier to do it all in one trip. There are so many little things and they all add up. Of course a person isn't all the little things they would do for you, if you thought of someone like that, some might say you are a shallow person. They were more than the little things they would do. 

They were a chef, a bus driver, a handyman, a husband, a dad, a stepdad. They will be missed by a whole group of people. I know its a horrible thing to say but it shouldn't have been him. Life was taken from him too soon, he had years of life left and yet he is gone. 

My other nan is looking more fragile every time I see her and she is dying slowly because her throat is closing up and there is nothing anyone can do about it. I do not want to see her suffer but honestly with the way this year is going it seems like she might be next. 

I am sorry this is a sad post but not much seems to be going right with my life right now, I will try to come back with a happier tone but we will have to wait and see what the rest of the year has to offer. 

When you loose someone its hard to find the motivation to keep going especially if you are very close with the person who is gone. Remember them, share stories, keep going because they would not want you to live in such a state of pain. Your memories of them will keep them alive in you. Spare them a thought from time to time but don't let the pain over take you, let it out if you need to, eat a tub of icecream. Whatever will make you feel better.

Thank you for reading, Lilly signing off for a little while take care and be safe, live like today is your last.