Everything comes in waves
as you grow farther from shore
you forget what the ground even felt like
and the soil begins to look different in your thoughts
as it did months ago
changing it's shape, changing it's colors
So when the small lifeboat
comes back to the soft sanded beach
would it even be worth it?
It is exhausting,
Putting up a front to keep you.
Plastering on emotions that aren't mine,
You don't understand how fake I am for you.
Stretching myself ever thinner,
Pretending to be happy and sane like you.
Stand up tall, dress just right.
Smile spread wide, crinkle the eyes.
Inflection in tone, flow of words.
Use it all to build a disguise,
Putting up a front,
Pretending it's real when it's just lies.
It is exhausting,
Putting up a front to keep you.
Plastering on emotions that aren't mine.
You don't understand how fake I am for you.
I'm sorry, but I'm over it.
I will be who I need to be for me.
--------------------------------
It is okay to not be okay.
It is okay to not want to pretend.
It is okay to not have emotions to show.
It is okay to reach out for help,
It is okay to not want help.
You are perfectly you and if that means upsetting others because you aren't who they want or need, then they can suck it up ... or they can leave.
It is not on you to carry the weight of the world and protect everyone else.
Protect yourself first.
I started 2021 hopeful.
Hopeful that things would work out, hopeful that things would get better.
This year, for 2022, I will still start the year hopeful; still hopeful that things will work out and things will get better.
The difference, I lived 2021 day to day. Each of those new days was spent telling myself that things can't get worse and that things have to get better, all you have to do is make it to tomorrow. In 2022, I'm planning to live each day as if it is it's own day. One day should not impact the mood of the next. Each day should be taken as it is and filled with the best possible effort to get the most out of it. I shouldn't wait to get a better tomorrow, I should be working to make today better.
2021 was spent entirely in a pandemic, a pandemic that dictated a lot of what I did. It dictated that I wasn't starting that year overseas getting my masters. It dictated that I couldn't go out and see friends or travel. It dictated that I could not get another job in field. It dictated that I stayed home, living with my parents. It dictated that I stay in my toxic environment without any change in behavior to counteract the toxicity.
2022 in comparison, is going to allow me to breath. It may throw me on my ass, may throw me to the streets; but, it is not going to hold me in a cell, it is not going to cage me in my own mental despair. I am through with that. I am through with being verbally and mentally abused. By stigmas, by stereotypes, by the public, by friends, by family, by myself. I am quitting my job. I am moving out of this house (eventually). I am doing what I need to for me because I am no longer living for you or for them.