You Don't Seem to Realize

There are a lot of things that are going to come and go in your life. 

You are going to come and go through a lot of other folks' lives.

Something you don't seem to realize, is the impact you have.

The impact they have.

You change every time somebody says something to you.

You change somebody else every time you brush shoulders with them.

So many other bottles have poured into your bowl, they tainted you, they cleansed you.

You tipped over, you tainted them, you cleansed them.

Who you were,

Who you have become,

Who you will be;

It is all an accumulation of their traits, 

of their actions,

of their reactions.

The world would keep going without you in it.

But.

The world wouldn't be what it is if you hadn't existed.

Holiday Traditions

 Holidays tend not to be a very happy time for my household.

It's a shame to say but it is unfortunately true.

And especially now that all of the "kids" in the immediate family are young adults, there are no longer those little trifling acts to keep up appearances. We just let everything slip through the cracks. 

I can pinpoint when in my life those things changed, it really isn't hard to do. It's been a steady decline ever since.

Easier still, is remembering how amazing it use to be, when the magic was still alive and there was still joy spread among us and the twinkle in the eyes hadn't diminished.

Spending that first brisk day in December shivering outside even though you're bundled up in a coat that makes you look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's cousin. As you help drag all of the bright rope lights and candy cane stakes out to the front yard. As you roll out all the tangled green cords trying to have enough length to reach the 10 foot inflatable snow man. The scrapping of the metal reindeer against the asphalt as you struggle to get it out and in line with the others to help pull Santa's sleigh. Going back inside afterwards and wiggling your feet in front of the fireplace trying to thaw your toesies as you slurp out all the half melted mini marshmallows from your cup of luke warm hot cocoa.

Coming home from school every day for over two weeks straight and there being a different sugary aroma wafting out the door because mom had spent the day baking a different one of her 24 cookies for the tins you need to go hand out to friends and family. Clambering up the stool to the counter so you can try and snag a swipe of raw cookie dough from the bowl before she notices but then scattering the tray of fresh, soft cookies as you try to steal one running out of the kitchen because you were not slick enough with the bowl.

Getting to take an envelope of money with you to school with a list of everyone you had to get a present for and trying to save as much of the money as possible because you want to get yourself something too. Grabbing the cheapest of dolphin necklaces for your mom because what woman doesn't love jewelry. Dad gets the new grill flipper that says world's best dad. Little sister gets those smelly erasers while the boys get the grossest and slimiest of goo.

Trying to steal a glance down the laundry shoot to spy what gifts you may all be getting. Y'know, big sis said that during the month of December, Santa relocates his workshop down in the musty basement because his workshop gets too cluttered and it only makes sense that the toys already be in the house when he arrives to re-arrange the gifts because how else would he deliver them to everyone in one night?!

Getting up at 5 AM to drive down to center city Philadelphia on Christmas Eve. Just so you can get a Geno's cheese steak  for breakfast before you head over to Termini's to wait in line for 5 hours while you get to snack on cupcakes the size of your palm and eat cannoli after cannoli of deliciousness that you got to pipe yourself because your dad grew up with the brothers and this is how he loves to spend his birthday. 

Taking the week off from school for Christmas and New Years where you get to spend day after day slowly opening all of your presents and spending hours upon hours lost to your own devices. Getting to build skyscrapers from legos. Reading fantasy novels about damsels in distress and fire breathing dragons. Watching the latest Barbie movie, the one with the little fashion pixie sprites. Having an all out turf war with your brothers because you got the new pink Nerf gun made just for girls. 

Trying to stay up to midnight to watch the ball drop and falling asleep just before.

...

It's funny how that became working through the holidays and not even bothering to stay up until 9 for an evening snack.

Quitting

Quitting is a hard thing to do.

Quitting a job. Quitting friendships. Quitting smoking. Quitting drinking. Quitting drugs. Quitting toxicity.

There can be no scale to show which is the hardest, especially since for some, the variables weigh differently on their heart and mind.

Quitting is a necessity sometimes. A necessity to get where you need to be. A necessity to get where you want to be. A necessity to heal.

To start the process, you need to take that little step. But what about when that little step feels like you're about to plunge off the side of the cliff into the rocky waters below? It can seem infinitesimally difficult to do. Having support in the form of friends or family is key. 

It isn't always possible though if cutting off those friends is part of what you are cutting out.

In the end you make your own choices. 

You dig your own grave.

You build up your own pyramid.

If you need to quit your well paying 9-5 office job because the mental strain is deteriorating your health. 

If you need to move out of your family home and just be hopping from couch to couch for a bit because the controlling nature has deteriorated your soul.

If you need to stop talking to that person who has been there to support you through every low mood the past 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, 2 decades; because you have finally realized they are holding you back.

Do it.

Do not let anyone else tell you that you are making the wrong choice.

You will bounce back eventually and you will be magnitudes stronger because of it. You may even be thankful towards those people that caused you to pull away because you wouldn't have become the amazing, powerful, beauty that is staring you back in the eyes from that glossy window a lifetime down the line.

Who I Use to Be

Growing and changing is a part of life. 

You should not be staying the same as you were in high school or college, you should continue to grow and become a better version of you. But sometimes becoming that better version of you means taking a sidestep and backtracking because you accidentally took the route that crowded you with weeds rather than blooming petals.

I have had to face many difficult choices over the years, and as hard as that may seem for you to think that a 23 year old has faced choices harder than which outfits to put on, or which tiktok videos to post, or which fast food chain to eat at today; there are a number of us that have had to make adult decisions that affect more than just our own being since an even younger age.

Throughout this choice making process, I have become somebody I disliked, somebody I loved, and somebody I hated because I have gone from letting others blind me from the truth, have enlightened myself and become stronger, and let people drag me down and dictate how my life gets to play out. That time in between, when I loved myself? I felt the most like me. I felt the most at peace with my choices and who I could become. But then I let that person, that version of me, slip back through the cracks because I let others sink under my skin.

I want to become that other version of me again. I don't want her to disappear back into the shadows when something else goes awry though. 

I want to love the literal skin I walk in. 

I want to have confidence in my choices.

I want to be independent and self-sufficient in my endeavours.

I do not want to have a fear of what others will think.

I do not want to be concerned about how others will react to my actions.

I want to be wholeheartedly me and I want to have that stick around for more than just the time I am away at school.

That is going to mean continuing to make those hard choices and throwing my life further into disarray first, all in hopes that I will stay rooted and grow even after the harshest of winters.

Gub's Introduction!

 Hi! 

My name is Gub, my pronouns are she/her and I am 23 years old. 

My dream is to someday be a National Park ranger and maybe be a science teacher later on. 

Some of my interests include photography, reading, going on hikes, and looking for bugs! 

I am OBSESSED with my bug/oddities collection and just collecting weird things in general; I am clearly part goblin in spirit! 

I am excited to blog about nature, science, and personal stories/emotions in my life. 

I am currently in community college and hopefully will go to a university soon. 

Thank you for the invitation to this blog, I’m excited for the future!  

What are Palindromes

Palindromes are an interesting phenomenon. 

They are more commonly recognized in words rather than number combinations but they can exist in both.

Palindromes are defined as words, phrases, or sequences that read the same forwards as they do backwards. Common examples include the name Hannah or the word ma'am. 

There are of course other less orthodox examples like the phrase "May a moody baby doom a yam". This is a very peculiar example which raises questions like why or how can a yam be doomed or why is the baby able to doom anything; the point stands that if you place markers as such ... "May|a|mood|ybab|ydoom|a|yam" you could read the phrase backwards the same way you did forwards.

Dates can be palindromes as well.

12.1.21 for example, is a palindrome. As are the following;

12.2.21

12.3.21

12.4.21

12.5.21

12.6.21

12.7.21

12.8.21

12.9.21

12.11.21

12.22.21

Enlighten someone else with your updated knowledge and enjoy your palindrome days!!