Dear mom.
I'm sorry I've been spending so much time out of the house. I know you miss me, and you're probably worried sick, but I promise I'm keeping myself safe. I just don't know how to explain to you that being with him every day feels better than being in this house. Leaving J was a good idea, you know that and you agree with me. As much as you say that you don't care that I'm with T now I see the look in your eyes when I tell you I'm going out. the concern hidden behind the understanding.
After my nan passed away it was weird to not have to go downstairs many times in an hour to make sure she was drinking. Looking at the empty bed where she stayed for many months before leaving us alone, was very strange. It felt wrong and still does. There is a few brighter things to think about such as the memories I made with her over my life, my fondest being something I was so embarrassed to think back on until now was me dancing around the dinning room with Christmas music playing to put on a 'show' for her. I was wearing a pink swimming consume covered in different sized poker dots and a bright green inflatable rubber ring. The rubber ring was mean to be a tutu and the swimming costume was as close to a leotard that I could get. I hated thinking back at that memory and always cringed when I did but hey its on the internet now and it will stay with me until the day I die. I do regret not getting to know her better as I got older but she would always spend time with her 'boyfriend' and i didn't want to spend time with the both of them because it was weird. I could not have a conversation with that guy at all, he was a very nice man and every easter he bought me a lint easter bunny. The one with the red ribbon with a bell. It was the same every year but other than the few passing moments with him, I didn't get to know him too well and technically he also electrocuted me. The pond in the garden has always had a bird problem... birds come and go and take fish with them. So this man was an electrician in the navy when he was working because at the time I knew him he was retired. Anyway he decided to put an electric fence around the pond to deter these birds. As a child I loved watching the fish in the pond swim around and it was even better when the frogs had layed their eggs and they would turn into tadpoles. I used to put my hands in the pond and let them pick off dead skin, it was a win win situation. I did it before it was cool to put your hands and feet in water with aquatic things to let them eat your dead skin cells and even better I didn't have to pay for it.
Back to the original thought, once this fence was up around the pond he said it was safe as long as I didn't touch the wire. I didn't touch it before you think to yourself oh she's going to do that. I did not. I sat on the grass hands on the flat stones around the pond and guess what I could feel coursing through my body. If you guessed electric, congratulations you win. I told my dad and he was like oh thats weird but we moved on so for the few years this electric fence was around the pond I would always feel the electric in my arms while leaning on the stones to watch the fish live their care free lives.
Many years later I was talking to my dad about it and apparently my nans 'boyfriend' had wired it in wrong and thats the whole reason I could feel it. Its almost like I knew what it should have been like, but no one listens to children. You can say you do but you don't trust in them the way you trust your partner or your parental figures. This is a warning if you are a parent really try to listen to your child/children if they have a concern.
But for ages I thought i was super conductive. Sad to know the truth now.
But this is a sort of goodbye post to my nan, I did love her and I hope she is having the very best time in the afterlife and its nice to think she is back with her boyfriend again and I didn't put that in quotations because of the last little story I want to share is that man I mentioned earlier also had dementia and they would still hang out, for years I made the joke that he was her boyfriend and when they both started getting further down the dementia path me and my dad found them kissing in the conservatory. It made me think I was right all those years. I don't know why they felt the need to hide it or if they had only just started a relationship i don't know but he went before her and its nice to think she has joined him.
Today I was listening to music as I often do while working, I was responding to comments on YouTube listening to Disney music. Into the unknown came on it was Aurora's version. I have no idea how I have not heard this before today but wow I am blown away, she always finds a way to make a song airy and soft. To me her vibe is very fairy, she is a little strange and I love it, she is very much an introvert like myself. If you don't know much about her I'm going to give you a crash course and highly recommend her music if you have not listened to it. A little warning I cannot spell and her name is one of those things I struggle to spell without copying it letter by latter so you will see the words her and she a lot I am avoiding putting her name. Aurora is a Norwegian singer and song writer so a lot of her songs are different to the typical music you would hear out in the world and sticks to her roots, I really admire her for that, but I think that is what makes her so unique. I would not consider myself a super fan but I do think her music is very healing so if you are having a tough time maybe put her music on, get in a blanket with a hot drink in hand with some headphones on and tell me you don't feel better after that. I don't think you can. Because her vocals are very freeing and airy you can close your eyes and almost feel totally alone but at the same time know you aren't. No matter what happens in life know there is always someone there for you. Did you know she actually had a part in the version of into the unknown from the movie frozen 2. She calls herself a forest person this could be because she lives by a fjord surrounded by trees and small bumpy roads so not many cars are around making it peaceful. As I'm writing this I have goosebumps and this will be my newest obsession song to listen to over and over for a while. I do not have a time frame at all but my last few obsession songs have been, pink pony club, hot to do, good luck babe and naked in Manhattan by Chappell Roan. Please please please, Taste and Espresso by Sabrina Carpenter. Running with The wolves, the seed and Runaway by Aurora and Running up that hill by Kate Bush. Thank you for reading, I hope you have a great day and stay hydrated you lovely beans <3